Wanted: Mother's Helper

Job Description: Serve as extra set of eyes and ears, an extra set of hands for which to administer love to the creatures of the house. Pick up random items off the floor, run occasional errands. Ability to take orders a MUST; possession of magic wand a PLUS.

Read below, if still interested, send resume and two references via e-mail.

It's exactly 2pm and we haven't left the house yet. My plans are not set in stone, so that is not such a bad thing, but when I do decide it's time to leave the house I still have several things to do: Find a shirt I can leave the house in, get Jacob's coat and shoes on, let the dogs out again, pack the bags, pack the car, bring dogs back in, secure the house and take care of the rabbits. All that will probably take about an hour, and by the time I am done with all that stuff, something at the top of the list will need doing again.

I figure most everything I do in the day pertains to cleaning something for which the sole purpose of is to be dirtied; doing the dishes, washing the laundry, cleaning the rabbit cages. Even cleaning the tools I have for cleaning takes up so much of my time (emptying the vacuum bag, washing the mop covers, etc).

I was upstairs folding laundry just now, and as I put the last item into its place, I heard the buzz of the dryer, which was then followed by the slowing of the washing machine. That means there's a whole other load that needs to be put away now, and after that there will be another one. I had just gotten done putting away the remnants of Jacob's breakfast, and putting the dishes into the dishwasher when he announced he was ready for lunch. By the time I finish taking care of the mess from Jacob wetting his pants, something else has been spilled.

This, I guess, is what they call the daily minutiae of motherhood. It's such a frivilous sounding word, but really, it feels like a thousand tons closing in on you when all you want to do is get ahead just a little bit in life.

And this is on a day that I am not working, not watching other children, have no other obligations. This is what I meant about having no middle ground. I can't find that place where everything exists in a happy medium. I need stress in my life to get things done. Admittedly, Zach has been working 12 hour days, but even if he was home he would be working on the house, and that would just mean one more person to clean up after.

I have done a few things for myself today, but each has come with a price. I actually did get to workout. I'm not sure if it is worth it though. The dogs have hardly gotten any attention, the rabbits even less, and Jacob, I haven't sat down once to be present in the moment with him. I'm supposed to be homeschooling him. I took a shower and straightened my hair, only because I popped a video in though. I will be longing for that video later today after I have been alone with Jacob for 10 hours and there is no end in sight. And here I am now, typing out my thoughts so that maybe I won't be as likely to drown in them, but Jacob is circling me, wanting attention, and when I tell him I need some quiet time, that I am off duty, he says, "Ok, I'll just talk to myself." Like an arrow through my heart.

If I could just get him to stop asking for things, to let me sit for more than 60 seconds, then I could finish this dirty job and we could have some time. I just can't get him to understand that giving me my time now, will yield better results later.

How did this happen? We've hardly done anything in the last two months with our moms' group. I am completely out of touch with all of my mom friends. This is supposed to open the door for more time to do other things. But why hasn't anything changed? The list of errands is only halfway done when five more get added; it is never-ending. I wish the world could stop for a while so I could get caught up. I've got professional goals too, you know. I want to get my Master's degree (something I attempted to start last spring) eventually, I want to become a post-partum doula, I want to have another child. That is what kills me, I only have one child. How do people with more kids than this cope? Is it just that I am selfish and require a lot of 'me' time? Do I have too many hobbies? Am I asking too much of myself? Is something wrong me with? Please tell me where I am going wrong so that I can fix it and have a life where everyone's needs are taken care of and some forward progress can be made.