Murphy's Law: Little Bear II

It's been so many weeks since Little Bear disappeared that I am losing track. I searched and searched the internet for one that is exactly the same, but it simply cannot be found. I stand by my original statement that our Little Bear had litte bear ears up on the top of her head. And my mom swears on that fact too. The only possible explanation is that it was a rare, factory mistake. I don't even care about the possible monetary value here, I just like being different so it's cool that we had one like that, but now it's gone. I have searched all our pictures for a glimpse of Little Bear, but there is none to be had. She sat up there on that shelf for three years, and she should have made it into the 'after picture' I took of Jacob's room exactly 3 years ago today but there's something else there in her place. It's a mystery.

There's been constant searching; checking and re-checking of places I know she's not hiding in. I know she's gone, but part of me is still holding out for that magic moment I know could be just around the corner when she shows up again. I don't know what's possessing me here; it's a freaking stuffed animal. Am I doing this for Jacob, or for me? I still say there's something about me as a person being demonstrated here. It's not about the bear - dog - whatever it is. What is it I feel I have really lost? Could it somehow be about not being in control? I never lose things, maybe it is just killing me that this cannot be solved by the simple, methodical re-tracing of one's steps. But the problem here is it not my steps I am retracing. It is Jacob's steps I am trying to retrace...and for the first time in his life, those steps were not taken side-by-side with mine. Could this be the real issue?

If that's the case, then there's no real solving it. I'm going to go about the rest of my life with this scary, longing feeling, as if something were missing. My God, this is what it is like to be a mother. You wear your heart outside your body, just like the damn Care Bears.

A couple weeks ago when I was going through the photo albums searching for a picture of Little Bear, Jacob caught a glimpse of Baby Tigger. He exclaimed, "I used to have a Baby Tigger?!" And I told him we still had it, he was just put away in the closet. Jacob asked that I pull Baby Tigger out of the closet and I did. Predictably, Baby Tigger has gone everywhere with us. He 'drove' to Vermont last week with me and Jacob. On the trip Jakie announced that he wanted to paint Tigger blue and put a heart on his belly, and his toosh. Then he took it back and said, "No, I want him to stay orange." Maybe he realized that Little Bear can't be replaced, or that he didn't want her to be.

All this is really great, but I did end up getting a Loyal Heart Dog from ebay. What happens when it comes? I haven't told Jacob that I ordered one, but he knows now that Little Bear is lost. We agreed that she must have fallen in the parking and that maybe a kid who doesn't have a lot of toys picked her up. Because that kid doesn't have a lot of toys, he or she is taking really good care of Little Bear. And because Little Bear is being cared for so well, she is happy. This is something I think I can live with, and I'm actually wondering who I created the story for: Jacob or me? I know it will make Jacob so happy to get a new Little Bear, and eventually he'll forget that it's a replacement, or maybe he won't. But the magic won't be there, and I don't want to override all the progress we have both made in the last couple weeks.

Anyway, it's been 19 days since I checked out on ebay and nothing has come in the mail yet...I am just not having good luck with the little bears...