The Bad Mother

You know how when parents get divorced the kids secretly think they were the cause of it and the parents are told to assure their children they had nothing to do with it, that "Mommy and Daddy still love you, but we just can't live together anymore," or something like that? Since I don't have any first-hand experience with divorce, I can only speculate on this, but how in the world can that be true? That nothing with the kids had anything to do with how 'Mommy and Daddy's' relationship played out.

Jacob doesn't like to sleep. That's it in the most simple terms I can put it. He can be exhausted beyond belief, yet he will not give in and admit he is tired. It has always been like this. From day 1 sleep has been our biggest issue. As a newborn he had to sleep on our chests. When he was an older baby he had to nurse to sleep, and then through the night. Sometime long ago I started sleeping on the couch, and Jacob and Zach in the bed. I think that period lasted about six months and ended when we brought the dogs home. This was night weaning.

I think I've figured out the parameters of what it would require to get this kid to sleep. They are impossible. He needs to cuddle with one of us to fall asleep, and needs to have a body next to him to stay asleep. That's why he stays up til all hours of the night, because he can't go to sleep until we do. We can't stop what we're doing to go to bed with him at a reasonable 3 year-old time of night. We have shit to do. We can't just go to bed early and then get up early in the morning to do the things that keep our world spinning because you get out of bed and 10 minutes later his internal gauge tells him an injustice has been committed.

A few weeks ago Jacob had a period of constant silliness. He was silly all day long for two weeks straight. I couldn't take it anymore, and I wanted any other version of him. Now we're living the reality of constant mood swings and I want Silly back. One minute I'll have to most polite, sweet, mature three year-old on the planet and the next minute it's Temper Tantrum City. I know he's grouchy because he's tired. We talk all the time about how he's going to take a nap or go to bed at a certain time and he's not going to fight it. Jacob is fine with this, happy as a clam about it. Then the actual time comes. And Hell becomes my house.

I decided this week that he's got to stop napping. If I thought he could get through the day without a nap, he would have been doing so already. We waste about four hours everyday on this nap stuff. Two hours of fighting it where I'm getting nothing done, then, his body finally hitting the wall of exhaustion, Jacob passes into sleep. He's so overtired by that point though, that the nap turns into two, three, four hours. I try to wake him, believe me. It's not possible. So we've been talking all week about how at the end of the week, when the wedding is over (because we had to have him conscious and in a tux) that he can stop napping.

We tested it out on Thursday, the night of the rehearsal. He fell asleep in the grocery store afterwards. With our son slung over Zach's shoulder, he and I talked, laughed and remarked that this was probably the first time we'd had alone together in several weeks. Everything was great. Then we got home. Jacob woke up. He'd slept for 30 minutes, just resting up for the long night ahead. The tension in the house shot up, Zach and I were irritated, we were yelling, fighting with each other. He ended up going to bed a couple hours before Jacob, who I stayed up with til at least midnight. We'd had plans. We were going to have some time together, and each of us also had individual things we were going to get done. Instead we fought, had no time alone and got nothing accomplished. So now this is my point. It's not that I'm afraid we're going to get to the point of divorce, but Jacob and his sleep issues killed our night and put us at each others' throats. He is killing us. He is causing this.

And the fact that I am placing these blames on my son, is what makes me the bad mother. I am. Right now, in this moment, I don't want to deal with him. I am angry at him, and jealous, I want to lock him up in the room. But these are my feelings and instead of bringing them into the room with Jacob, I'm putting them here, into words.

Last night was the wedding and Jacob was still all fired up when we left at 11pm. Zach tells me he was up til 1am. So when I had to wake him at 9:30 this morning for a prior obligation, I knew he'd never make it through the day without a nap. I was alone with Jacob all day. I worked my butt off cleaning, taking care of the animals, doing laundry. I waited for Zach to get home. He didn't get home. I was so tired so I sat down for probably the first time in five hours. I didn't have the energy to engage with Jacob anymore so I put a video on for him. And at 5:30, laying on the couch watching a video, Jacob fell asleep. I consulted with Zach on the phone and he said to let him sleep. I knew there was no way he would make it through the night though. When Zach got home we rushed around in a flurry getting the bed made (we went all week without sheets - a new record), preparing soothing snacks for Jacob's middle-of-the-night hungerings, talking about all the things we would get accomplished in the Jacob-free time we were going to have. We even tossed around the idea of renting a movie.

At last was the moment of truth. We carefully mapped out our game plan, slowly coordinating our movements. I peeled off Jacob's wet underwear, slid diaper number one onto his legs, followed by diaper number two, Zach swiftly picked him up and I slid the diapers into place. Jacob woke up halfway through this but we were prepared. Zach whisked him upstairs to the pre-darkened room. He snuggled Jacob back to sleep and came downstairs. I was already cooking Zach's dinner in the kitchen so Zach set to getting stuff done. It didn't last. Jacob woke up three times before dinner was ready, and on the third time he came down the stairs followed by my resigned husband. We got his food right away and he had a tantrum because he wanted to eat it on the couch. I saw my night go right down the drain.

If Jacob wasn't going to realize that he was getting a deal, then my only choice was to bring him back upstairs. He fought me, and I left him. He came out, I put him back in. Each time his crying got worse until it turned into hyperventilating. I was there with him, looking at his sweet face, and even then I couldn't decide which I wanted to do more, shake the piss out of him or grab him up and hold him til it was all better. All the while Zach and I were fighting and placing blame. It's almost 9pm now. I'm not going to get my errands done, you can forget the movie, and it doesn't look like I'm going to get to work out either. Zach was going to get some little things done around the house. Guess I'll just be nagging him more about those things tomorrow.

So now my husband is up there with Jacob who is actually hyperventilating. My heart is shattering. I feel so bad for him, but I think right now what I'm feeling more toward Jacob is far closer on the spectrum to hate. I think I want to send him away to a place where I just don't have to deal with it for one night. I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself that I don't have a relationship with my husband that exists outside the circle of Jacob. I'm feeling sorry for myself in a world where there are far worse things about which one can feel sorry for oneself. So I feel selfish and greedy. But at the same time, I can't tell...maybe this really is the worst thing in the world. It certainly feels like it right now. I can't tell how bad this is, I have lost all perspective. When Jacob finally falls asleep I will feel like the worst person in the world. This I know.

How can all these feelings exist at once? How can I tell what is real, what is worth struggling over and what falls under the heading of 'this too, shall pass'? How can I even be considering having another child when I don't know if I'll survive the child I already have? And most of all, how the hell can I get my kid to sleep?