Week 3

This will be the third and last full week until my mom and Jamie come back. I now know what it feels like to be one of those moms whose husband works out of town during the week, or works nights, or long, long hours, or go to school in addition to a full day of work and who have no family living down the street. It sucks. I'm sure I've felt like this before, but it only matters how you're feeling when you're feeling it. It's like my feeling states have no memory, so how can I say what my reality was a day ago, a month ago or a yeat ago?
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And I know this current feeling of mine in not caused only by my mom and Jamie being away. It the time of year, the things that are happening right now in my life that make me feel like an inheritently bad person, the things that are happening at work to stress me out, the living in half a house that is constantly being dirtied by the half of the house that is incomplete. I sound like I am ungrateful for the life I have. I'm not. I'm just saying how I feel.

This should help, this being outside. The weather finally being nice. It's too nice though, it won't last and then in hindsight it will have just been a tease. But right now it is nice being out here, it's surreal. A whole long winter of being inside. And now I'm here barefoot, with no sleeves on my shirt, sitting safe from the mud atop the picnic table while Jacob and Marisa play. It feels like I'm in a dream. I go back and forth between being ok and walking around with a heavy, sinking feeling. I'm always in a constant state of mood changes. But this time feels different. I'm so afraid of everything now.

I was outside, I should have been ok, but it just felt scary and lonely. Jakie and I walked over to Stella's. She was happy for the break, but would never admit it. She stopped her yard work to sit on a bench in the spot where her swimming pool is burried and patted for me to come sit next to her. We just sat for at least five minutes, not talking. Sometimes it's nice to be around someone who is so different from you and just let your energy swirl around together in the air between you. Jacob picked berries and played quitely. Then Stella and I talked. I can't remember what about. My sister pulled in the driveway and the scene changed as Marisa jumped out of the car and Jacob rushed back to our house.

I like to think my sister and I have an understanding that the kids need to be around each other, and we need not to be around each other. She took off for a walk and I pulled out the heavy-duty extension cord so I could mix my computer time with my nature fix.

The kids are so different. Jacob can play in his imagination for hours. He can be quiet and improvise with what he's got. He knows how to pee outside. Marisa is so needy for attention, can't stop talking, is so loud. She's the kid who's walking around with wet pants. I don't know why they get along so well. I don't like the things he learns from her, yet I think it's necessary. She's the yang his yin?

I looked up to see a shadow coming through the woods and just like that my peace is over. Now my sister is sitting here at the same table reviewing cases for work. Her physical presence alone is causing me pain. I wrote to her to tell her how I feel and my words have gone unacknowledged so the simple fact of her silence now is distressing. But I'm wondering if there is something in what she's doing that in an alternative universe might look a little like reaching out.

I saw the first flower to bloom in our yard when we were on the way over to Stella's a little while ago. Just now I looked up in time to see Mango eat it. That's kind of how I feel today.