The Outcome

Things got far worse before Jacob finally fell asleep. He slept and so did we. It is the next day, but here I am in this beautiful day, still resenting my beautiful child. Last night I got on the phone with my mom and cried about it for a while. She brainstormed ideas for me, but I just shot them all down. It's not going to help to send him away for a night. I want the whole problem solved, not just one night of sleep. Besides, I won't be able to sleep with Jacob not here. I've never had a night away from him. And that won't take care of the anger either. I'm angry because I want him to be obedient.

I have absolutely no idea what I should be able to expect from a 3 1/2 year old. When I was a teenager I had the uncanny ability to nail down the age of any given child I encountered. Now that I am a parent myself, I find I can't tell anymore. I compare kids I see to Jacob and try to estimate their ages, but he is the skinniest, shortest 3 year old I've ever met so my image is skewed. So I repeat what I said last night, becoming a parent causes you to lose all perspective. I think that it is reasonable to expect a child to go to bed on his own, is it not? Other peoples' kids go to bed on their own. Unless they lie. Well that's why I'm writing so honestly here. It's hard and it sucks.

After I got off the phone with my mom I realized that even though Zach was asleep in the bed with Jacob, it was the first time my boy had seen his father all day. Jacob wasn't about to waste that time with him by sleeping; once he fell asleep, morning would come in a flash and Zach would be gone again. I knew what I had to do. I went upstairs and explained to Jacob that Zach would be home all day today and he would have lots of time with him. Zach being there was preventing Jacob from falling asleep, so I gave him 5 minutes in which to fall asleep or I was making Zach leave the bed. That, of course, didn't work so Zach was soon downstairs with me. Jacob resumed the hyperventilating and neither one of us had any idea what to do. We sat on the kitchen floor in anguish. Of course we just wanted to go up and hug him, but I couldn't reinforce what was happening.

We were totally stuck. There was no way Jacob was going to go to sleep, but we couldn't back down. Even now I just don't know what to say about it. It was pure Hell. I tried to explain my position to Zach, and by then Jacob was at the top of the stairs listening in. At this point I had to idea that we needed to ignore the fact that he was out of bed. He eventually came downstairs and started to play. How was I supposed to integrate the ignoring part then? Change of tactic. I went in the calmly talk with Jacob. He still wouldn't admit that he was tired. Crazy, crazy kid. If he couldn't admit that he was tired, then he just doesn't know what tired is. So I told him he was and tried to explain how his body was feeling and that that equals tired. Nothing. So I took him upstairs. I checked back in every couple minutes to ask Jacob, "Are you ready to admit that you are tired?"

Here's the part where Zach compared me to Sayid. I wasn't trying to torture Jacob, I was trying to teach him about sleep and put words (one in particular - tired) to the way he was feeling to convince him that what he really needed was some time in the Land of Nod. I counted up the hours and realized that Jacob had slept 10 hours out of the last 36 hours. That is insane! It's not nearly enough sleep for a fully grown adult, much less a child.

On one of my visits upstairs Jacob started using my words against me. He took all the things I said while in the kitchen with Zach and changed it around to make a point to me. You're telling me a kid who is capable of that, is not capable of understanding the concept of sleep?? "It's my time with Daddy! This is my time with Daddy. I want to be close to him. He has to go to work in the morning and I won't see him (not true)." Way to put an arrow through my heart. I am the worst person in the world. I called Zach upstairs and he snuggled with Jacob. 3 hours of struggling down the drain. And I guess that's the reason I'm still angry today, because it's unresolved.

Jacob didn't go to sleep til at least an hour after that. How is this physically possible? How? He woke up this morning and came into the next room to find me. He eyes were all puffy from crying last night, and mine are still burning from the same thing. How is it I can still be this angry at him? He's sitting next to me, asking me if I want him to rub my arm. I'm ignoring him but he does it anyway. He is the sweetest kid in the world right now and I just want to love him to death, but even with all those feelings right there, the resentment is getting through. I'm actually mad at him that he seems to be over it. I feel like I've been hit by a bus, and what is left of me is just this pile of emotional reckage. I think this has gone beyond the point of finding a solution. I don't think there is one. I think I will spend the rest of my life in this moment of opposing emotions and helplessness. I think we are in desperate need of help, someone to tell us what to do. Because I am at a loss.