Dear Jacob, Dear Sabine

Dear Jacob,

It seems like lately every night when the day is coming to an end or you've just fallen asleep, I start to think about the day and feel bad for being too hard on you. I feel like that most days, and I'm so sad for it. We're constantly butting heads, and I'm always walking on eggshells around you. We have really awesome times in between all that, but the rough patches somehow always creep back in.

There are multiple theories from multiple people, but I guess sometimes it just comes down to a normal part of growing up. After a certain fight has passed and I've had time to reflect I usually come up with something that feels a little like a revelation and gives me hope. In the past, I've decided we had too much time together and we needed a break, or we didn't have enough alone time with each other. I've come to the conclusion that you're bored, or we've been home too much, not home enough, etc.

This time I've realized that you and Sabine hardly ever get away from each other. Even when you're away from me, you're usually together. And even though you get along really, really well, I think it's starting to become too much, because, yes, Sabine has become an extremely (at times) annoying two year old. So I realized the other day when she took a really long nap, and you played for two hours straight with your little animals and did voices for them, had them set up all around the house, that you don't get to play like that anymore - completely uninterrupted and in your own world because Sabine is always butting in. This realization didn't come too late, but I wish it had come a little sooner in the summer.

I've learned so much from being your mom, I'm sorry sometimes it takes me a while to catch on. When you were Sabine's age I discovered the way to get you to do things was to pretend that we were animals, you the baby and me the mommy, and we would pretend our way through what we needed to do. When you got a little older, I figured out I just had to use a funny voice or accent and you'd do what I wanted. These are techniques I'll surely use on Sabine, thanks for helping me learn them!

You're starting first grade in a couple weeks and I am incredibly sad to see you go. You're so excited about school. I think the time away from me and Sabine will do you good, but sometimes I wish it could be just you and me again.


Dear Sabine,

I started a post for you way back before you turned two in June. I was including things like how many words you used and different milestones. I never finished it and now none of it really matters because you are a completely different person. There is so much about you, I never know where to start. These days you can get pretty annoying. You talk a lot when we're at home, but hardly ever around other people. Even though you're talking more now, I still think of you as a kid who doesn't talk yet. Maybe it's because so much of your communication is through gestures and signs, and more of your personality comes out in that way.

You're definitely a caretaker, always worrying about what the animals and if they've been fed, or where they are in the house. You really look out for Jacob, sometimes acting like a little shepherdess, herding him to me when I'm trying to get his attention. You are a little boss. You like to point things out to us and you like everyone in the room to see what it is and comment on it.

You're also really cute and cuddly, maybe just slightly less snuggly than Jacob, but that's only because he is the king snuggling. You really like to read books with us now. I love this, the three of us sitting there reading books, it's just started to become a thing. You are really going to miss Jacob when he's in school. I'm looking forward to seeing how we traverse through our days with him gone.

Anyway, the two of you are right here next to me now, and in this moment it's mostly Jacob who won't be quiet. He's talking about something random - wanting a box of poison. He's trying to get a reaction from me - and he just won't stop. So I have to end this before it goes sour.

I don't think I'm going to try to do anymore of these posts (even though it's been several months anyway) because it's too stressful to capture all the dimensions of you guys in writing. Maybe I'll come back to it someday.

I do, however, want to post these pictures I just took of the two of you. I had this #2 that a lot of the kids in our club have had in their possession for their second birthday, and I couldn't pass it along yet because I hadn't taken your picture next to it with your birthday dress on. I'd been meaning to all summer, and decided that today was perfect because you're two years, two months and two days old today. So before I put you in your jammies, I put you in that dress that will still probably be your birthday dress next year, and we took pictures. You got really into it, as did Jacob. The pictures are so cute, I'm going to post as many as I can so that I can remember how cute and loving you guys can be!

Love,

Mommy