Dear Jacob: January 24, 2011

Dear Jacob,

I wish I could jump ahead into the future so that I could establish if all that nagging I did back when you were seven was really necessary.  Because it seems that's all I do right now, and I feel very badly about it.  You see, sometimes it's just so hard to be in the same room, scratch that, the same house as you.  You are so annoying these days.  I don't know how long it's been like this, a year?  It definitely became unbearable when you started school last fall.  The way Beckie puts it is that you (little boys in general) spend so much of the day 'toeing the line' in school, that when you come home, you just have to let out all that pent-up energy.

But why does that energy have to be in the form of the World's Most Irritating Sounds?  In order of frequency, here are the things you do:  Repeat random syllables in a high-pitched sing-song voice, clap your hands (loudly) in a random pattern (is random pattern an oxymoron?), laugh in a maniacal way that makes me have to stop what I'm doing to go investigate what you've gotten into, make gun-shooting noises, stomp your feet.  The list goes on.

For entire minutes in our house the only thing that can be heard is me going, "Jacob, pllllease!"  Followed by your continuation of said random phrases, followed by my going, "Jacob, pllllease!" again, and on and on and on.  If I were to actually leave the room I'm in to look you in the eye and tell you to stop every time you do sometime like that, I would never get anything done.  As it is I can hardly get any stuff done because I spend so much time with my blood pressure sky high that I can't focus on my task at hand.

Just in case I am being too vague in my description of the annoying stuff, as I type this you're getting so far under my skin that I can't think of a good metaphor for how far under my skin you are.  Here is what you are doing:  Creeping around the corner of the doorway to peer in at me, for what reason, I'm not sure.  But without taking my eyes from the screen I can see that you have put on your coat, with the hood pulled up and the little neck tabs pulled across your chin, and also, you have your little goggles on.  You are giggling because then you creep past the doorway and you don't think I have seen you, and perhaps you think you are getting away with something because I would not approve of you wearing your coat in the house?  How many times have I told you about peripheral vision?  I don't have to be looking at you to see what you're doing.

I won't even get started on your interactions with Sabine.

Also, it's like you're testing the power of words or something.  You say stuff sometimes that doesn't mean anything, I can figure out why you'd be saying it, it's not true.  Today, "Sabine, I have a razor, I could cut you."

WHY?

Is it because you are on your way to becoming a psychopath?  Or do I not need to worry about that?  Because if I knew that threatening to kill your little sister is a normal thing, then I would have a lot less nights where I lie awake in bed.  Is it because you are bored?  If so, that sort of sucks, but at least I would know the reason and I could assure myself that when it is not zero degrees outside, your cabin fever would wear off.  Is it that you are testing the power of your words?

All these things I could understand, but maybe there is some reason only a seven year old boy can internalize, yet not be able to come up with the words to express why it is a necessary part of development.  Maybe there is a purpose, and if someone, or if Future You could tell me, then maybe I could live with it without really understanding it.  Right now all the crazy behavior seems so meaningless.  If some expert could tell me to have faith, that there is a reason, I will take that.

Also, I'd like to know if I am damaging you in some way when I stand there above you screaming, "Why are you doing this?"  Because in these moments I truly expect you to give me an answer; when people tell me that you're seven and you don't know why, I just can't accept that.  When I tell you that you are acting crazy, am I negatively influencing your self-esteem in a way that can't be repaired?  If it can be repaired, is it enough that I apologize when I need to and that I can admit when I was wrong?

I really just wish that you could give me an answer as to why you do these things.  That would be the best thing for our relationship; if you could just tell me why.  I could be so much more understanding.  If I have a reason for something, I can deal with it.

All my complaining makes it sound like I don't enjoy having kids.  But then I go upstairs to get into bed, only to find my two cherubs asleep in my spot, snuggled in with their arms wrapped around each other and it all sort of seems worth it.

Love,
Mommy