This Rollercoaster Ride Called Motherhood

Earlier today I was going to write about how I was having a crappy day, but I realized that while I'm striving for honesty here, I don't want this blog to become my personal sounding board. I only want to write about the things that I think are interesting, funny, might personally serve someone out there is some way, or are insightful in a way that I'll want to remember.

On any given day I go through so many different emotions; ups and downs that would make your head spin. I wake up thinking it's going to be one kind of day, that I've got it all together, but by the time breakfast is over, things are not looking good. Then when I think I can't take the day anymore, it changes again, something gives me a little perspective. And then again before the day is over, I am in tears. There's a lot of back and forth involved in this life of mine. So much of my time and energy is devoted to making plans, changing plans, breaking plans. It seems like only 25% of this planning actually yields any sort of activity. I can't decide where I stand in the world, or what I should be doing with my life. I should be working more, putting money away...no, I should be savoring this time in my life, when Jacob is young, I shouldn't be away from him. I'm fat and ugly...no I'm not, I'm ok. I should go to bed already and get some sleep...or maybe I will sleep better if the house is cleaned first.

And how about the packing and unpacking? Every time I go out the door it's like we're leaving for a week long vacation. When we get back home I have to decide what to bring back into the house, and what of it I'll just be carrying back out to the car again later when we have somewhere else to be. So I usually just carry it back and forth all day long, and hardly ever use any of it. But you know that the one day I leave that extra change of clothes at home, it will also be the day that Jacob pees in his pants. This is what I'm getting at with the 'Murphy's Law'. Everyday of my life is like this. Instead of following a straight line to take the quickest route to a destination, I make the most wrong turns possible along the way.

Now yesterday was a great day. I got to get away just a bit - travel to Brattleboro and really be present in the world. I saw a friend at a little coffee shop and really just absorbed the energy of one of my favorite places. It seemed like I was really getting the hang of this life. I was only 10 minutes late for my appointment, which everyone knows is excusable when you have a child in tow, so really, it was almost like I was on time! Actually, I have recently discovered the secret to being on time. For the record, I have always been a late person. It is not within my ability to be on time. However, there is a loophole: If you are so overscheduled that on your way to any given obligation or errand, you realize you are just far too late to even go at all, you can then make the difficult decision to skip it altogether. Then, without hesitation, head straight to your next thing on the list. You might even get there early! So even though you are technically a big mess of chaos, you appear to your friends and colleagues as a very responsible person.

So it seems days like yesterday are always followed by days like today. They just can't get much better, and so really, why bother trying? Why not just spend the day in a depressed funk? Could be the time of year, could be coming down from the high of the universe aligning to give you the perfect day, could be one...little... thing... after...another. I went to a meeting of my moms' group in the same pants I slept in last night. I didn't brush my hair - still haven't...and I can't even remember if I took a shower today. I've been trying to take it slow and get caught up on stuff at home (which basically adds up to me spending all my free time writing this blog), so Jacob and I have not been meeting up with our moms' group friends and I just felt out of the loop today...and it was a little sad. This was just the beginning...

I've been trying to slow down, do less, but after having a steady level of momentum for so long, I can't figure out how to be in the middle. My body either wants to mimic the Tazmanian Devil, or to just stop altogether. For so long I was adding to my plate that things just kept getting more compact. Now that I'm taking some stuff out of the mix, you would think that it would get easier, right? But it appears that the remaining elements are simply taking a deep breath, fully inflating back to their original size . I am doing less, but it is still taking just as much out of me, taking just as much time, almost harder though because there's more elbow room. And with more room to shift things, options avail themselves. When you have the luxury of making a decision, you get stuck and you've had a taste of what it feels like to sit down for a change, and you just don't want to get back up. Know what I mean?

Little tip here: If you're a stress eater, go for dried papaya. The real stuff, not that overprocessed sugary crap. It's so tough, you've really gotta bear down and bite that sucker.

Anyway, you all know the anatomy of the proverbial bad day. I don't have to get into the specifics. All I need to say is that motherhood is rough. There are good days, there are bad days, and when you wake up in the morning/afternoon/middle of the night, you never know which kind it's going to be. So if you're out there, and you're the mother of young kids and you had a bad day, know this: You are not alone.