What a Week!

I won't even comment about the start of the week and the thing that everyone is talking about. There's nothing more to say than what's already been said. It's horrific beyond words and I can barely stand to think about what it must be like for the families involved.

I can tell this is going to be a long post because I've been feeling the tension of not being able to get to write anything for a few days building up. The week here has been crazy. It was a nice little tease having last week off from work, but the combination of having to go back to work this week with a lowered endurance for the fast pace it projects onto my life, and the fact that I don't have my mom around to rely on has pretty much done me in. Zach's been working on the addition each night, which is great, but it means he's not that available to help with Jacob. I got in touch with Evy's mom to see if she could watch Jacob for just a few hours so I could get caught up with stuff, but they've got their own house construction going on. I've been begging Zach to call his mom to see if she could come by for a while, but she's been out of town.

Zach's just as tired as I am, so I shouldn't be complaining. I can see it in his eyes, that's where it always shows up first. Jacob is like that too. And speaking of sleep-related issues, he's been flooding the bed at night (Jacob). Most mornings we were waking up to a wet bed, and I'd have to wash the sheets again. I finally broke down and bought the expensive nighttime diapers. Waste of money. So then I started putting two diapers on him at night. No help. Still flooded the bed. Then I started thinking, since he's going to wet the bed everynight and there's nothing I can do about it, then why the hell am I washing the sheets every damn day? So we slept in dried urine, covered by a bath towel, for three whole nights. I was just too tired to care.

I was talking to my mom about it on the phone on one of my every-other-day-five-minute conversations and she brought up some of his other symptoms that I had mentioned to the doctor when we had that sick visit a month or two ago. She told me maybe I should consider diabetes. I'm hypoglycemic and there's a history of diabetes in my family, but I wasn't that concerned about it. We got the results from Jacob's bloodwork back after the doctor visit last time, and it was clear that he is slightly anemic but no one from the doctor's office ever called so I figured I know enough about managing that through diet alone. I'm a little adverse to iron supplementation because of the side effects it has on your body.

So yesterday I talked to a nurse and she said she'd get back to me today after talking to the doctor. After that I started to revisit the anemia and thought about the nighttime wetting. I don't think it's so much that he's so, so thirsty and drinks a lot at night, but I think it's that he's not waking up at night to go to the bathroom anymore. He's just so tired all the time. Just like Zach, I see the tiredness in Jacob's eyes, and even after a good nap or a good night's sleep, he's still exhausted. The doctor wants Jacob to start taking an iron supplement and come back for an evaluation in a few months. So I'm going to do it because of the bags under his eyes and the constant crankiness and tantrums.

When Jacob does wake up he tells me all about his dreams. One day it was that he had been over at Stella's house, another day he reported that in his dream, "Daddy was tearing apart the floor boards and I was coming down to check on the it." I've been dreaming a lot again too. I love my dreams. I'm the person who keeps a dream journal from time to time and reads up on them in my dream analysis book. This is a good sign. I always feel like something is missing when I'm not dreaming, or at least remembering my dreams. I haven't been writing them down this time and that makes me mad because I really think that all put together, they give me a lot of insight into my life. I can say that I have had at least one pregnant dream. And I always dream in color.

Perhaps my brain is beginning to make room for the dreaming again because I'm trying to limit the computer/camera/electronic technology usage in my life. Sometime last week I decided that enough is enough. My life is revolves around the computer and taking pictures, recording life instead of living it. It doesn't feel good. I feel all scrambled up inside. I feel unnatural. Yet I'm addicted. A year ago I was not like this. Three years ago we didn't even have a computer at our house. I wanted it that way. I knew once we got started on the fast track to entering the 21st century, there was no going back.

Since November I have been talking about having a computer free day. I have not done it yet. That is sick. Everyday of my life since then, I have used the computer. I can't fathom doing that. And then camera is a whole other story. That thing is killing me. I can't keep up with it. So I started to make some rules for myself. I cannot take the computer to bed with me. I broke the rule just once. I give myself a certain amount of time when we get home to get settled in before I turn on the computer. I turn it off during the day when I am done with it. And the biggest, most riskiest one is that I have been leaving my camera at home. I'm keeping count, and in the last nine days there have been 8 times when I wanted my camera, or I wanted to bring it with me and I didn't. At first it was so scary, heading out there in the world with my adorable child, off to meet his adorable friends, and I didn't have the device for which I could capture those precious memories. I'm getting used to it though. I'm actually experiencing the fun, instead of just framing it for future viewing pleasure.

There were playgroups, outside play, park days, a sleepover, a nature walk...all things I will have to hold onto in my memory. I think it's better that way though. I think it gives the memories a certain integrity or something. All this leads me to the video camera issue. I have the money now, it's been saved and it's all ready for the purchase of the cheapest digital video camera money can buy. I don't think I want one. I don't want to add that to my plate. I think we can get by without it. What I really want is to have it for our trip. I've got my sister's huge-o video camera now though. And if I think that really won't do for the trip, then I can maybe borrow someone else's.

Yikes, there was so much more I was supposed to write about. But Jacob's just fallen asleep by my side on the kitchen floor. We are so odd like that. We do odd things at odd times of the day. Yesterday I was on the phone with Danielle, and it was late-ish, I think 8:30pm. When we were getting off the phone, "Yeah, I have to get going on cooking dinner anyway," I said. "Dinner?!" she laughed. Sometimes I forget that most kids Jacob's age are in bed by then. I don't mind the doing odd things at random times of the day because that's just what feels natural to us, but I do not like the days when it happens that way because there is just not enough time in the day to get around to it sooner than that. Zach and I have been wondering how in the hell our lives got to be like this. We both like simplicity. I swear to God, one of these days we're going to be one of those families that exchanges the busy life to move out to a farm and produce all our own necessities. But first I have to figure out how to power my own internet service...