Dear Jacob: Summer 2009

Dear Jacob,

This post is called Summer, but it's actually halfway through fall now. It's been well over four months since I've written one of these for you and I'm sorry for that. It just becomes such a big task to write a Dear Jacob. You're such a person now, your own person, that it's hard for me to capture your essence in writing. It feels like if I can't get it perfect there's no use trying at all. And I don't know how to do things part-way. I want things to be perfect and I don't like having loose ends. Also, I want things in our life to be perfect when I sit down to gather our memories in writing. Things are never perfect though, so I'm just going to go ahead and tell the truth: Lately, you've been a big pain in the butt!

Jacob, why do you do so many annoying things all the time? Why are you doing this to me? Why did you just do that to her? Was there a reason you just did wrote on the couch like that? Why can't you calm yourself down? Do you get the fact that our going to (insert cool place) hinges on your behavior right now?

These are the questions that we've been asking you. You must be sick of it. You must be wondering why we can't let you be the person you are. Is that who you are? Do you really enjoy doing annoying things, or are you acting out for some reason? I don't understand it all anymore. And sometimes I say stupid things that I promised myself I wouldn't say. For instance, why are you doing this to me? I don't want to be the parent who blames their mood on their child's behavior. I don't want to make you responsible for how I feel. I don't want guilt to be the over-riding emotion of our relationship.
Jacob, I wish I could just let it go, let you be the person you are, ignore the annoying stuff and never wish away any moment of your behavior, but I think with any parent there's this fear of what if this is who my kid is, and I don't like him? I like you, I love you, there's nothing you can ever do that will take that away.

Anyway, on the the important stuff. Yesterday you turned six! I can't believe it. I can't believe how high you come up to me when we stand next to one another. I'm constantly misjudging your clothing size when I'm not with you. I hold something up and think it will fit you, but no, it's two sized too big. You continue to be the responsible little kid that you've always been. You still help so much with Sabine, and when she cries you are the first person to jump up and make it to her. You scoop her up and she wraps her little stick legs around you.

This year for your birthday we wanted to make a bigger deal than in the past. Daddy and I don't like to emphasize gifts, but we just really felt like you were so deserving this year. We started with your friend party on Sunday. On Monday you got a pie in the face, or rather a pie tin full of whipped cream. Just like the Yankees - apparently the owner of the game-winning hit gets a pie in his face. You actually requested this. So we waited and then picked a time where you would be surprised. You were out playing baseball in the backyard with Daddy and I snuck it out at the right time and POW Daddy got you right in the face. Mango enjoyed cleaning up the mess.
Daddy and I strive to be 'cool' parents; I hope we did you proud.

Baseball in the backyard with Daddy is probably your favorite thing right now. You've gotten really good in the past few months. We're all looking forward to next baseball season to see how you do in your first year of real baseball.
Other stuff for your birthday included cool orange Sauconies, a Yankees t-shirt - Shwisher (#33), some cool games, a trip to Friendly's (as requested by you), and dinner at the Diner with both sets of grandparents. I told the waitress it was your birthday and you got a candle atop a dessert, they announced that it was your birthday over the loudspeaker and then the staff sang Happy Birthday to you. You were sooooo embarrassed. You pulled your hat over you head and tried to hide!
You've also been really into running. Rather, you were all summer long. Seeing Daddy and I both get back into it, and seeing us run our races really put you in the mood. Most days you'd request to go for a run and you'd change into your tank top, 'running' shorts and sneakers. We'd head up the driveway and through the woods for your run and that's also how we met Dorothy. You've been so sweet to her. You're always asking to visit her and it really makes her day. You are very sweet and helpful with Dorothy. I encourage our going there because I think it's teaching you kindness and compassion.
Anyway, we picked a race, I ran the 5K and you ran the kids' mile. Daddy ran it with you. He said you ran the whole thing without stopping. We were so proud of you!

One of my favorite things to do with you is sit down and read. We read Jack and Annie (The Magic Tree House series) together. Or rather, we were reading them for a long time, then we took a break to read some other chapter books. If it weren't for my tendency to fall asleep when I'm reading aloud, I might just sit there and read to you forever. I love reading with you and snuggling. It's one time where I can forget about you age, and stop wondering for how many more years I might get this kind of quality time with you.
Over the summer you went to Peck Road (the 'farm') with MamMa and Papa all the time. you would stay there for hours 'working the land', transferring piles of dirt, riding the mower with Papa, gathering brush to be burned, and cool things like that. I think you would spend entire days there if you could. It's very cool to see you doing this stuff, to know that you're five (at the time) and so capable. It's awesome having a kid who would rather be outside, close to nature, doing any old thing, than indoors watching TV.
As we moved into fall and it was time to start wearing warmer clothes, you had tons of trouble transitioning to that. You always do. You refuse to wear cooler clothes at the beginning of the warm season, and vice versa for warm clothes in the cooler months. This year was particularly bad and we had huge fights about it. I'm sorry about the disappearance of your shorts. I admit here that I actually do know what happened to them. I hid them away one-by-one as they came out of the clean laundry. It was the only way to preserve our relationship.
I think a lot of the difficulty we were having in the earlier part of the fall was about control. You want more control over your own decisions, but as your parents, there are certain decisions that Daddy and I have to make. A balance has to be struck between those two things, and that's a difficult thing for us all - maintaining a balance. For the past week or two things have been much better. I don't know if you just came out of that phase all on your own, or if I finally thought about the problem enough that I got some insight into the situation. I still feel like I'm walking on eggshells around you, and I don't remember if that feeling ever goes away after we've been through a rough patch. This one was so long that I'd forgotten what it was like to not be fighting with you all the time.

What I do know is that when things are going well with us, my heart just wants to jump out and gobble you up you're so cute. I know you have a growing need for independence and I want you to know I'm working on ways to help us out in this regard. And I want you to know that I will always, always love you, no matter what.
And I think the last thing I expected to feel as a mother, is the deep longing to one day answer the phone and hear my grown child ask, "Mom? Did I act like THIS when I was a kid?" But you know, I think having you experience this one day will be the only rightful payback I can hope for.

Love,

Mommy