The Balance Beam of Life

Phew. Last week was a blur, as was the weekend. I've lost track of how many days Jacob's taken a nap, but it's over two weeks. It's a little later in the day than I'd like, but at least it's happening. It's so funny because it really is the longest stretch of days our routine has been this... well, routine. I have 2-3 regular days at my job right now, and Jacob comes with me half the time. We've got a couple classes that are regular days, and I'm just so busy with other things that I guess it's ruling out a lot of the sporadic things I would normally do, so that makes a routine sort of forced anyway. There's a big difference between a routine and a schedule, but it took me this long to learn that. Schedule is a word I want to avoid...it's just not me.

So last week when I was writing the 4 blogs in one night, I didn't get to start until after midnight because Jacob was up that late. I had started trying to get him to sleep at 9:30, but it took 2 1/2 hours for him to finally knock off. I'd been staying up so late because I need that time after he goes to bed. Even if I'm exhausted I won't go to bed, I just can't force myself. I'm the adult version of Jacob. I need someone to pick me up kicking and screaming and toss me into the bed saying soothing things to me until I finally cry myself to sleep. But there is no one else up to do that.

Jacob seems to be doing really well with the 'routine-ish' kind of thing we have going. He gets ready more quickly when it's time to go. He's been talking about the time, wanting to know what time different things happen. I've been talking to him about what day of the week it is...and I guess by having to pick an answer for him it sort of forces me to stick to it. This is good. Sometimes though, when we don't have anywhere to go, I might get dressed or request that Jacob, say, brush his teeth and he'll ask me where we're going. "Nowhere, we're just getting ready for the day," I'll cheerfully reply. When things started slowing down for us at the end of last year, we would never get dressed if we didn't have to go anywhere. I would forget all day long to brush Jacob's teeth. I took me a while to get used to the idea of 'getting ready for the day' just for the heck of it, but it's still a novel concept for Jacob...poor child.

We moved the furniture around a week and a half ago. It started in Jacob's room (in which there is no bed, yet I can't quite call it a playroom, rather The Room Where All Homeless Items Go) where I went to town getting rid of things and shifting all remaining stuff around until it looked fresh. After that I was hooked and I (don't know how) got Zach to agree to move the living room/entryway furnishings around. It took forever because there were actually so many combinations we could have gone with; we finally just had to pick one because we were losing steam. It was something I needed though. With all the months of putting up with the addition crap, I needed some reward. It's been just great though, the energy is really moving. And since then I've been in a constant mood of decluttering. Bit by bit...

Anyway, we're busy again after a month or two of hibernation, but right now there seems to be a little bit of ease to this life of ours. I know the busy-ness will soon peak again and I will go insane...wait, wasn't I at that point last week? Well I've bounced back from that and I guess at least for today things feel evened out. Balance is a tricky thing; I figure I spend most of my time working toward balance, and then I get a brief respite in which to enjoy the state of equilibrium - like at the equinox when you're supposed to be able to hold an egg on its end and let go to see it stand on its own. You wait half a year for that one moment when you just have to have faith and trust that the universe won't let the it crash to the ground. You just have to sit back and enjoyt he show. Maybe there is something to this letting go after all.