Fearless

Not ten minutes had gone by from when I finished that last post, and when Jacob did something so alarming which perfectly demonstrated his confidence and fearlessness. We were by ourselves at my mom's house, and I was getting a wireless signal out on the back deck (God love the new neighbors). I was finishing up the post and Jacob decided to open up the lock system we've got going that is supposed to keep the kids off the lower deck where the pool is. I saw him do it, and had just enough time to finish what I was writing before his clothes were stripped off and he was about ready to go in the pool. I stuck him in the tube with leg holes and settled down next to the pool.

A couple minutes later Jacob came out, took off his tube and informed me he wanted to try it without the tube. I rolled up my pants, tossed my legs over the edge and reached my hands out for Jacob, telling him he could only do that while holding onto me. I explained why and Jacob declined my offer by putting the tube back on and lowering himself back down the ladder. I returned to my sideways position, giving part of my attention to the thing in front of me I was reading. Some number of seconds later, less than I can count on one hand, I turned back around and Jacob was floating toward the middle of the pool bobbing up and down with his head and body completely submerged.

I'm pretty sure I turned around just because that's what I was doing every five seconds anyway, but part of me is scared that I might not have turned around in time, that the only reason I did is because those eyes (that only mothers have) in the back of my head told me to. I can't say for sure and I can't remember the next 10 minutes.

When I was recounting it to Zach later on he assured me that I am a responsible mother and I didn't do anything wrong. "I know that," I told him, "that's what scares me. I was doing everything I could do and something tragic still could have happened!" If a mother can't prevent bad things from happening when she's at her best, then what else do you have?

Monday was great, Tuesday was the same, Wednesday started to go downhill, and today has been wretched. He's been out of control. You would think that having quite a few great days in a row would fortify me; that I would have some reserves of tolerance built up, something to get me through on these bad days. It doesn't work that way though. I go from happy to miserable in one big step. I don't know if this is just my nature, if I am not cut out to be a mom, or if it's just the nature of motherhood in general. I used to always say that...that motherhood is like one long roller coaster ride. But lately though, it seems like this blog has become My Mental Health Blog. And my child has become a ticking time bomb.

He was so sweet the last couple weeks, the weeks we were implementing our new 'routine'. It is so hard to maintain that. It doesn't come naturally to me like it does for other people, and it takes all our energy to keep it going. I thought the definition of routine meant that it becomes like habit, it becomes easy, and all you have to do is abide by the fact that your routine is your religion. These past couple days Jacob's been crazy. He lets himself in and out of the house at will, thinks he makes the rules, smacks Mango around, RUNS AWAY FROM ME around the circle that we ourselves created when I am trying to talk to him. But then in an instant he is sweet and loving again. He's calling me honey and is at me with the kisses and caresses. I never know what to expect and I can't determine the cause. Maybe it should be the Family Mental Health Blog instead. I'm afraid it will come to that.