Permission

Zach brought me coffee in bed one day recently. It was nice. The next day I requested coffee in bed. The next day it was, "Wake me when the coffee is ready." That has quickly morphed into, "Wake me with coffee." Just like the good ole Folgers commercials. It can't be a good sign that I can't wake up without coffee in front of my face. I can see my future: I'll be a millionaire because I've successfully marketed the first 'caffeine drip/alarm clock all-in-one'. Sure to be a hit. Just pour in the grounds, add some water, set the timer/alarm, and plug yourself in with the IV attachment. You get the idea.

The wise old mothers say that going from one kid to two quadruples the amount of work, that it's exponential. I never doubted them, it's just hard to internalize that when you're not yet in the situation. But now that I am in that situation, I have to say that's not my experience. My experience of mothering more than one child is a kind of insanity that is immeasurable. It used to be that I felt all haughty with people who don't have kids because, they just don't understand. But now it's a different story...now I'm all, psshaw lightweight, you've only got one.

I'm so tired I can't think straight. I can't remember simple words, or the reason why I walked into the adjoining room. The exhaustion comes in waves, at times it's a familiar sort of gnawing at my soul. Other times it feels like I might actually die from being so tired and so busy. There are people who have many, many more kids. These people scare me. I think they are super-heroes. I think if I only had to be a mother and do housework, I might be able to handle it, but it's all the other things I take on. All the other obligations I have because I can't say no and because I'm a 'if you want something done right, do it yourself' sort of person. And then I can't let go of those things when they become too much.

My point is, that's what life has become here. Something they have not yet created the words for. And something that has been really weighing on me is my little monthly blogs for Jacob and Sabine. I'm a week behind with Beanie's and about to be behind with Jacob's. And tomorrow is his birthday. I stress over this so much if I don't have them done because I feel like their childhoods are slipping away with the passing time, memories are going unrecorded and I might forget. So for now I am giving myself permission to hold it on those posts. I will get to them when I get to them because what kind of a mother would I be if I spent more energy writing about our memories than I do making those memories? So there. I just had to say that publicly and now I think I can 'let go' of that obligation for now. It doesn't mean I'm giving it up, it just means I'm loosening my grip on the strict deadline I give myself.