Earlier today...

I sent this e-mail out to the moms' group this afternoon. These women are great. By the end of the e-mailing day a few hours later, eight people had written back.

"Hi Everyone, Before I put an ad in the paper in search of a full-body, child-sized straight jacket - maybe some of you can relate and share stories/advice, etc? I can't take the squirming! Jacob's body is never at rest! Even when he is sleeping, he is continually thrashing about. It takes him hours to fall asleep at night, rolling around, thumping, chattering, waving in the air..you name it, he does it. I've actually talked to his doctor before about restless leg syndrome (which I don't know a terrible amount about), and I think he might fit the bill. Anyway, if you have any advice, or you can just relate, send it my way! I use essential oils, so I've always got lavender oil on hand, we have a bedtime cd, I try to talk him through relaxation techniques - which I am no good at - I've used homeopathic stuff before...Just don't tell me to stop co-sleeping, that's the one bit of advice that's not an option for us. Oh, and I already have a million sleep books which I will never get around to finishing, but if you have actual mom-to-mom advice about certain relaxation techniques specifically for three year olds, or tapes, etc... THANKS! Stacey"

And that's the reality of our days. I can't remember how long it's been like this. I'm sure Jacob has always been like this, but for some reason now it's become the thing that is going to drive me over the edge. It literally is going to drive me over the edge. The sleep thing aside, the squirming is unreal. Be still child. For the love of God. Or your mother is going to go insane.

Sleep on the trip was out of control. There was absolutely no structure to any of the days, and I'm sure that must be the reason the sleep at home is crazy again. And I have no self-discipline to fix the problem. Zach has no self-discipline left either. He used to have more of that than you would think could exist in a person- how else can you explain the fact that for the first few years of our relationship he spent his days training for marathons, and then followed through with the actual participation in said marathons; several of them. Well I took care of that, I sapped it all out of him and cast it aside.

I digress. I can't remember my point anyway...oh yeah, the squirming. Everyone who responded wrote back about the sleep issue. I don't want to be negative and write back to everyone, "Thanks so much, we tried that though.." but we are hard core anti-sleepers here, there is nothing you can tell me that I haven't already eliminated as an option. I guess I didn't emphasize enough that it is not just the bedtime squirming. He moves all day long. Never at rest. I tried to sit with him in the afternoon yesterday and I couldn't even take his body in contact with mine for more than a minute because he wouldn't stop moving. And that's why I wrote the e-mail.

After I did get him to sleep, however, I was looking at his sweet, almost motionless parts and I wondered to myself what the big deal was. I told myself I had overreacted and sent that e-mail too quickly. And this is the thing, I always talk about how there is such an immediacy to motherhood. What is happening in the moment is all that matters and that that one moment you are living in seems to define your life. Then when the moment has passed, it is like it never happened. Is that a good generalization? I don't know anymore. I'm starting to think that maybe it is just my impulsive personality and that maybe I shouldn't be making that assumption about all mothers in my position. I think there has to be some truth to it though.

I remember reading an article a couple years back about the impending mothers' revolution and how it is so hard to get it going already because the facts are that when you are going through that phase of your life (with young children) is when you are the most motivated, but also the least equipped to leap into action and attend rallies, do the research, network, do what needs to be done to enact change. By the time your kids are older, or in school, and you're freed up to do those revolutionizing things, you've forgotten how difficult it is to be the mother of babies, you can't remember the specific struggles, the things your community is lacking that would make our world more child-friendly. You've lost your passion for it and you've moved on to other things like PTO bake sales and driving the kids back and forth to soccer practice.

I just don't know. Anyway, here's the picture I promised. By the way, the night is not over...stay tuned to find out what time Jacob actually kicked off tonight (or tomorrow morning).