So this is where I am...

* Let me preface this by saying that Jacob is a really, really good kid and we couldn't have picked a better one, but sometimes kids go through rough times when they hardly have any Daddy time because he's working 12 hours a day; and they are alone all day long with their tired moms, and they themselves are a little bit on the tired side...and this is where it leads.

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Continuing from the last post, I'm in the place I knew would only be a matter of time. I've been wanting to get pregnant for the last few months. It's all I've been able to think about. It didn't happen like it was supposed to so I've had to mix all these mechanic functions in with the desire to have a baby, and for me it's just not meshing well. Motherhood has taught me that I am stronger than I thought I was, but likewise, it's shown me that I am not as strong as I thought I would have been in other areas. I can't deal with this 'not being pregnant'. It's taken hardly no time at all to be as worked up about it as a person can be. I knew if it didn't happen right away it would be a quick spiral downward from feeling 'ready'. I passed the Why not me? phase in under two months and I'm already at the Oh, that's why - I'm not suited for this conclusion.

I have a really deep faith, not in a particular religion, but in the Things Happen For a Reason School of Thought. If this isn't happening for me, I make the automatic conclusion that there must be a reason. Only the future will tell what the 'spiritual' reason could possibly be, but right now I'm getting the first inkling of a physical cause and it's reporting to me that I am too stressed out. I thought the kind of stress that prevents you from having a baby only happened in wartime or in truly life-threatening situations. So my body is telling me that I am so stressed out that I shouldn't be having a baby ? Well maybe I'd better start listening to it.

Other than the actual stress of not being pregnant, my number one stressor is my current child. Isn't that awful? I'm a horrible mother. That's one step away from saying to Jacob, "If you ever want to have a little sister you'd better behave, you little monster!" One problem that comes to mind is: What in the heck kind of stress-reduction technique am I going to use on myself that's going to get my kid to change the way he's acting?

He's having these terrible tantrums at every point in our day. They take say 15 minutes to work through, then another 15 minutes feeling so guilty about the way I handled the tantrum, and after all that is said and done, I've got to start back over at the beginning of what I was doing before that. I can't get ready to leave the house without running up and down the stairs 14 million times because God knows what he's doing or where he's going. I can't get him to sit still, can't get him to stay in one place long enough to even put on my mascara. The only thing I know of that can contain Jacob is his carseat. So what? I bring it in the house and strap him in it? The past couple days have been so insane that I can't tell whether that is a sane option or not. Again, I've lost all perspective. I should call my sister, she works for child protective services. I will ask her if that is something a normal parent or a child abuser is more likely to do.

The second problem about my level of stress is: If the child I have is causing this much difficulty, should I even be thinking about having another?