Breezing into Autumn

Today is the first day of autumn and I didn't realize it until the day was half over. This morning I got up, got Jacob out of bed and got him ready to bring to my mom's. She and Jamie were taking him to church because the other day Jacob said something about "MamMa and Papa's church," and I was like, "Yeah, but it's our church too." Then it hit me how long it's been since I've even brought him there. There's just no time to fit something like that in right now, but I wanted Jacob to remain acquainted with church and I needed a break, so off he went.

I had no idea it would turn into an all day break. My mom checked in with me after church, and Jacob was great, they'd keep him at their house til they were ready to go do some work on the land where they'll soon be building a house. I really missed him, but I don't know, I was kind of calm and serene about the whole thing. I ended up staying at my mom's house after they left for church because the deck looked so nice and inviting all laid out before me with the sun bathing so warmly. I had stuff to read with me because I always have stuff to read with me, but after a while I decided I should get home and start justifying the time on my own.

I got home, fought with Zach about something, but amazingly we were able to actually talk it out instead of having it escalate. There was no little person at our feet demanding attention and pulling us in many directions. It was just us. I think there have probably only been a handful of times where Zach and I have actually been here at the house without Jacob. It really changes the way I see the house and everything. I don't know what it's like to be married to Zach, or even live in the same house with him, without Jacob at the center of everything. So we were both here doing our own things, but together, and it was nice. Weird though. Zach eventually left to go to the paint job he's been working on.

Then I was alone. In my own house. Halleluia.

I'd already checked in with my mom one or two more times. Jacob was fine. He was going to go to the land with them. It was really fine. I didn't need to feel guilty for being on my own. I didn't need to feel guilty for being on my own and not making miracles happen. And I didn't need to feel guilty for sending Jacob away on a day that I wasn't about to go out of my mind. He was having a great time and so were they. Of course I still feel guilty.

I cleaned, I cooked, I took care of the animals, did two more loads of laundry cuz Jacob peed the bed last night, but only after I announced, "Tomorrow I'll clean the bed sheets because Jacob hasn't peed the bed in a while, and I can't remember the last time I cleaned the sheets just because it was time and not because they were soaked with urine." So the universe can be forgiven for the little indiscretion, as I was already planning to do them anyway. So there.

I hung the laundry out to dry, uploaded a week's worth of pictures, tagged, titled and put them on flickr. I got back to some e-mails, updated my calendar, cleaned some more, mowed the lawn, raked the sticks from all over the back yard, took care of the rabbits again, folded laundry, and then sat down to write this. All the while I've been thinking and enjoying the peace and quiet. I've not been answering questions, had to repeat myself, yelled, had my ear talked away at all day. I think that's my favorite part of it, the silence. I get 'time to myself' now and then, but I'm either running errands, in the presence of other people, or in some other way in public. Even when it's a social call that's brought me away from Jacob, thus supposedly relaxing, I'm not alone. What I really need is to have alone time.

The day wouldn't have turned out so serene if I had been expecting it. And there's no way I could mimic this day if I tried to repeat it. I can't plan for days like this. They just happen to me when I lease expect them. The best things in my life happen unexpectedly (Jacob, for example); it's always been that way. I've been complaining lately that I have no freedom, that I am never unaccounted for, I always have to report to someone. Funny, that's the exact thing that seemed so scary to me when I was on my own. Now it's the thing I miss the most about my pre-baby life. So today I was at home all day, accouunted for, but I was alone. And maybe just to be alone in this house, which didn't exist for us until we came home from the hospital with a baby, is all I really need to remember the feeling of being free.