Since then...

Holy crap, it's been like, what, almost two weeks since I've posted? I've never, in the history of this blog, spent that much time away from writing. There hasn't really been much time for blogging because I'm in a flurry again of trying to figure out a routine, but mostly I've been trying to stay sane. And I guess that means keep moving, reflect on things as little as possible, don't let the sadness and negativity swallow you whole. And to be honest, I've been trying to stay away from here because all I can seem to talk about is the baby thing. I don't want to write about only that. So I've been waiting for someone else noteworthy to come to the surface. In the meantime I go back and forth between thinking that I need to clear my plate to reduce my stress, but then realizing that it's those same activities which serve as my only distraction.

The days go by like always, one at a time, but it seems like when I look back on these days, they'll be measured in months, with each month broken down into weeks with differing levels of sanity. It's funny, my childhood I remember according to years, the college years are regarded in semesters of time, and then it seems like everything since has taken place in months. Months of pregnancy, months of your child's development, months of not being pregnant...but of course most of those months of at least the first year of Jacob's life are a crazy blur of new motherhood because I probably spent a lot of it in shock...I mean, in awe.

We went to camp again for the long Labor Day weekend, but even that fact alone didn't make things better. It was nice being there with a lot of my extended family. Sort of like a mini-reunion. We had lots of multi-generational fun sitting by the campfire being drunk and cooking lots of extravagant meals. I wish I could post some of those pictures but I never really got permission from those people, so I'll just post what I can in another blog. The weekend was just enough to get by but it was all downhill again when we got home.

Jacob and I stayed home all week, as I recall. I don't think we went anywhere or did anything. RARE. Of course on Friday I 'went to Vermont' and left Jacob behind with my mom and Jamie. Spending the day with them was probably the highlight of his week, and knowing that there was some 'light at the end of the week' was what got me through all the days prior.

I remember the most noteworthy thing that happened last week was that on our way home from Camp I saw, at different points, three random shoes by the side of the road. What is with this? Do you know how often I see this? And it's always one shoe, not a pair. Who loses their shoe out the car window? And how do you not notice this happening, that you shoe has just flown out of the car window? The last of the three shoes was when we were almost home, and so I've passed it sitting there, sad and lonely, in the shoulder at least a few more times. I wonder how long it will stay there, where it came from in the first place, and what it's owner is doing now. Is she at home, tearing her closet apart looking for her favorite shoe? And this is what I spend my time thinking about. If I was a psychic, I would target all my psychic abilities into solving these tiny mysteries.

Oh, here's something: Jacob started back up with gymnastics today! He mentioned it over the weekend and I checked in with him about it the next two days. Both times he was still gung ho, so I went ahead and called to sign him up for the very first class I could. The session just so happened to be starting this week, not that I wouldn't join in late. Instead of scheduling a late afternoon class so that Zach could come, I reverted back to our original time. We're going in the morning (I know, big risk for me) when there aren't tons of school-aged kids there and when Jacob favorite male teacher teaches the class. This will be much better. Jacob woke up this morning and ever so sweetly informed me that he decided he didn't want to go anymore. He really was so sweet about it that I wanted to give in, but I know he loves it and I had already had my heart set on it. A cell-phone pep-talk from Daddy on the way to gymnastics revived his joyous feelings, but then when we walked in the door, he was ready to go back home again. I had to go over to the floor with the class and for 10 minutes I felt like an idiot because he wouldn't participate. I thought the gymnastics people must think I'm crazy to keep bringing him back when it's the same stupid struggle each time. We keep going back though because when he loves it, he loves it, and because Jacob is the best kid there. Like we actually think he has a real ability for gymnastics.

Anyway, it ended well and all day long Jakie's been talking about how much fun he had and how he can't wait to go back. Score! This good mood probably has to do with the fact that I haven't been yelling, and that things in general have been going more smoothly the past couple days. Did I forget to mention that I got to gymnastics ON TIME - five minutes early, actually. And Danielle can attest to that because she passed me on the road while I was driving there, and the look of shock, let me tell you...

Mainly I think this has to do with the kitchen timer of my mom's she's been offering me for months. Instead of sitting there and saying, ok 10 more minutes cleaning such-and-such or five more minutes to write back to so-and-so, but then totally ignoring that when the time rolls around - the timer goes off and from somewhere deep within me this store of self-discipline arises. It's worked for a couple days, but I know I can't get cocky with it...I think there are rules that apply, like I must be under pressure in some way. I must have something I actually need to get to, but there also can't be so much on my plate that I can't breathe. And I don't know how much of a long-term solution it's going to be because the other part of getting to places on time means LEAVING THINGS AT HOME UNDONE. This means leaving messes behind, leaving the laundry in the basket, the mess on the floor, and not packing half of my possessions into the car when we leave. All of this I am uncomfortable with. I am uncomfortable all the time we are away from the house knowing that things are out of place. So I don't know for how many consecutive days I can let this un-comfort well up inside before I flip the lid and do something crazy like decide to clean the entire house of each dog hair ten minutes before I have to be at that appointment.

It's been nice with Jacob too. He has been so pleasant. I have been so pleasant. We've been so nice to each other. I don't think he's had a tantrum in three days. I've spent actual time with him, doing the things he likes. He does the things I ask without my having to yell. But I haven't been here. I haven't taken any photos in three days. I've hardly had time to read. I have only worked out once. So does being on time mean I have to sacrifice everything that defines who I am other than 'mom'?