Dear Jacob: October 2007

Dear Jacob.

This month you turned four! See previous post to find out what I think about the passage of time. I start these little posts early on in the month, as soon as something noteworthy happens and I add to it as cute things come up. I scribble notes on the back of receipts, the outside of envelopes and teeny scraps of paper. I carry them around in my back pocket until those notes get recorded on blogger and then when the end of the month comes all I have to do is go through and turn it into full sentences. The perfect method for a procrastinator like me.

This month there seems to be so much more though. You're continually amazing me. Everything you do amazes me so sometimes it's difficult to sort of what other people are going to care about and what things only a mother could appreciate. You know how people say "If you were stranded on a desert island, what one person would you want to be there with?" I finally have an answer. I would want to be with you. I would most certainly not want to be without you. Being forced to be without you is my biggest fear - but that's a topic for a more neurotic post. Even on a daily basis I don't want to be away from you. I enjoy your company that much. If I were not your mother, would I still say the same thing? Probably not. But that's what mothers are for - unconditional love - and I'm so glad to be yours.

This is the abbreviated version of October 2007 because that intro sapped all of my writing energy:

Early in the month: "I don't know how to fix toilets...yet." Oh boy, I just know some day I'll walk into the room and you'll have the whole bathroom torn apart trying to figure out how the pipes work.

You were asking for something that I wasn't hearing correctly so you thought of a different way to convey it to me . "No, the things outside, in the sky?" Oh, stars lotion! I realized you must have been referring to the shimmer lotion on the dresser, you wanted some of it. The fact that you thought to call it stars lotion alone is something, but holy crap, I know a lot of adults, actually most adults I know can't figure out the concept that if someone doesn't understand what you are saying, say it a different way. You do this, you have this ability to realize that an adult is not understanding and you completely change your tactic. You're adaptable like that.

"Oh my GOD, oh my GODDDD!" "I'm so hungry!" You say Oh my God a lot now. You kind of have to hear it to appreciate it.

You still love to clean, and we are still nurturing that passion. Daddy told me that when you guys were getting ready to leave the house the other day you wanted to clean up some dirt on the floor so you ran to get the dust buster, sucked up the mess, then continued on vacuuming even when Daddy told you it was time to leave. "Just let me do a little more, I see some dog hair over here." You probably startled Daddy into thinking I was in the room. Later on that day I was cleaning out the fridge, so you started helping yourself to the wipes I was using and you cleaned the kitchen floor with them. Then you got out the dust buster again, and when you were done with that you plugged it back in and returned it to its starting position.

For 'the wild', you still say 'wireless'. I stop to explain that "It's called THE WILD, not wireless," but you still get it mixed up. This is great. Even the most nature-loving kid I know gets the great outdoors confused with the great internet.

You seem to have a case of junior road rage. "Who's that guy beeping at?!" "What's up with that lady?" Um...I have NO idea where that could have come from.

You express your feelings so well. When you don't want to do something, or you want to do something I won't let you do, you stand there in front of me and are able to explain yourself in a way that women have been trying to get men to do since the beginning of time. "Mommy, I don't think I can finish my dinner because my belly is telling me it's full"
"My mouth is telling me it wants something to chew on."
"I feel like I need something to kick/cut/bite/etc."
"I feel like gum and the Gilmore Girls."
"But I need a parent to fall asleep. I can't fall asleep by myself! I just want somebody to fall asleep with..."

You're the road police - when we're walking you extend your arm and hold up your hand like a crossing guard to alert cars they need to stop for us. At first I used to push your hand down and try to stop you because it was a little embarrassing that you were acting so self-important. But I've come to appreciate its cuteness and I've realized that sadly, I'm probably the only one who notices.

"I have to look something up on the internet." You said this to the librarian the other day. Of course you don't know how to do that yet, but this just goes to show that you're part of a whole new generation that will do scary things with technology.

Sensitive! We were watching the episode of Gilmore Girls where Rory first goes off to college. At the end of the episode Lorelai walks into her empty house and the semi-sad music plays as she looks around the place. I looked over to see you with your eyes welling up and your chin quivering. You noticed me noticing you and you said, "It's sad that Rory isn't with Lorelai anymore" and you voice cracked. "Oh honey, it's ok." I consoled. "You can cry if you want to, honey." And you burst into tears. You practically jumped over Daddy to fall into my arms. You are such a beautifully sensitive kid and it makes me so happy to see this, but it also kills me because I know if means you're going to feel the hurts of the world more deeply than most people. I'm proud and terrified all at once to know that you carry a deep sense of a mother and child's reciprocal need to be with one another in the world.

And it made me sad too, Jacob. I love that we both love to be with each other so much. And I will always love being with you. You, however, will grow out of that someday. That sucks. How does a parent reconcile that? How does one willingly create something to fall madly in love with while knowing full well that one day the creature will get and walk away from you?