I know him too well

Zach thinks he can get things past me, but he has no secrets.

We have an ongoing battle with the soda and Red Bull consumption of his. First off, soda is nothing more than liquid candy that is marked up to high hell and I won't allow it in my house. Red Bull is expensive and on principle I won't spend money on it because we used to get cases of it free from my brother who worked for the company for several years.

A few weeks ago I told Zach I was going to the store and planned to return the cans and bottles so could he please go get all the returnables that are in his car and bring them to me? The fact that the man cannot remember to bring in a single beverage container from the car is another matter. He came back in with a few seltzer bottles and handed them to me. I just looked at him. "Now go get the Coke bottle and Red Bull can that are in the cup holders, please." His eyes grew wide and he stammered, "How do you know about those?" Please. I know everything.

Well just now he comes home from work (real job) to change into his 'work' (Carhartt) clothes to head to the bathroom remodel he's working on. Zach's saying how he's so tired (because he had to be at work at 6am) and I offer to make him coffee. He declines. Jokingly I say, "Oh, you probably have a Red Bull in the car that you're trying to sneak and that's why you don't want coffee." He says he doesn't have a Red Bull in the car but I just happen to notice a little bit of hesitation in his eyes so I do a double-take and his eyes are wide with fear. So I say "I don't believe you," and head to the door and start to slide on Zach's shoes. "What are you doing? No, no, I need those, I was just going to get the mail..." He trails off in a fit of laughter.

I get out to the car and it's worse than a Red Bull - he has a Starbucks Frappuccino in the cup holder! From the passenger's door I mouth You son of a bitch and gather up the three travel mugs that have been missing all week. He may have gotten away without lying to me, but now I know the cold, hard truth that my husband has been sneaking the mocha goodness and not bringing it into the house to share with me.

How dare he. Like Eve with the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, I was the one who introduced him to Sweet Heaven of the Starbucks Frappuccino with an 'add shot' and the ensuing caffeine high. Last year at this time Zach turned his nose up at anything coffee but through dedicated laboring, I gradually turned him over to the world of cool. I have taught him the correct terminology, different techniques, successfully kept him away from the flavored coffee sect.

And in return he's been seeing the Starbucks baristas behind my back.