Getting some things off my chest

It's Tuesday. I'm still pregnant. For two weeks now I've been having all sorts of crazy pains that I didn't have with Jacob. It's not normal pain and for the first week of it I thought for sure I was in labor. It's pain that changes me, I get mad or weepy, I can't concentrate on anything, and sometimes it knocks the wind out of me. Stuff is building up inside with nowhere to go, I previously had all this positive energy built up in my reserves but now it is running dry. The midwives tell me all the pain I'm describing is normal, etc, but no one I know can relate to feeling this way when they were pregnant. And I've been asking a lot of people. This is frustrating.

On Saturday a wise friend told me to stop doing things, clear my schedule, relax, and then it would happen. I tried. It's just not me though. I can't sit still to save my life. I keep doing things, keeping the house immaculate because I want to come home from the hospital to a clean house, washing more baby shit, making room. Making to-do lists and then not finishing them. So I'm convinced that I just need to finish these last few things and then the Universe will reward me.

I had putting off filing half a year's worth of paperwork for the longest time. I finally did it last week. I've got a couple little business-y things that are 90% completed that I need to finish up. I have a gift for a friend that needs to be shipped off to Virginia. I really need to write the thank you note to the vet's which is three months late. If I could just clear these last little things from my to-do list I'm sure it would happen. So you see I can't settle down. Writing this post is one of the things on my list too. It's not really anything I think anyone is interested in, more for my record.

So here's some other random stuff: I was lamenting to Zach the other day how much I miss my clothes. I said I go and visit them in my closet every once in a while and dream about when I can wear them again. He likes to tease me about how fat I am. It has become a joke in my family to make fun of me. But the one thing you should never say to your 9 month+ pregnant wife, "Gee, do you think you'll ever be able to fit into them again?"

I mentioned above that at times I have been getting angry and impatient. It's a hormone thing. Last week I had to pick up something at the library, a different library than my usual one. A library I've written about before in a negative way. No matter how many times I give this library a chance, the nasty librarians there never fail to prove me right. My theory is this is the library they send all the ones who couldn't get a job at a nice library on account of the sticks up their butts.

I'm waiting in line to pick up a couple Clifford books for Jacob that he'd been asking for. Zach was in the car with Jacob, who had just fallen asleep. I knew I had a two dollar fine awaiting me, but that didn't matter, you don't have to pay your fines right away. They always politely ask if you want to take care of your fine today, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't, and that is just fine with them. There was this lady leaning up against the front counter with a giant list of "all her summer reading" written on the back of an envelope. She was standing there having the librarian look up each and every book to see if they had it, and if they didn't, going through the process of requesting it from another library. Two feet behind me stood the computer with the catalog in it. I felt like ripping the list out of her hand and saying, "Lady, lemme just look them up for you over here." Seriously, she couldn't do it herself? The worst part was that the SECOND librarian was sitting on her butt at the desk behind the counter. I was being totally rude and I kept walking around to the side of counter and staring at her. After like 10 minutes to first librarian, in her squeaky voice said, "Bonnie, can you come help this patron here?"

Bonnie came over, retrieved my books from behind the counter and swiped my card. She told me that I had a two dollar fine and I said, "I know, I'll have to take care of that next time," and with my wallet secretly stashed in my pocket I added, "I don't have any cash on me today."

"Well, you can't check out your books today then." Are you kidding me? Are you really going to say that to a pregnant woman who has been waiting in line for a damn kids book for ten minutes?!

"Oh, really?" I played dumb. "Is that just the policy at this library?"

"No, it's like that at all the libraries." Why would she lie to me like that? Do I look stupid? I frequent to libraries at least twice a week. I know all the damn rules. If you're a crummy, miserable librarian eager to pull a power trip, why do it to me, then? Why not pull that crap with someone who deserves it?

I wanted leap across the counter and do something unspeakable to her. Instead I gritted my teeth, dug my nails into my wallet and said, "Well, I'll have to go run back to the car then." So I walked back to the car with my blood boiling and approached Zach. "Here," I thrust him wallet and said, "I have to pretend I'm getting money from you to pay the late fee." Then I opened my wallet, took out a dollar (I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of paying the whole fine) and proceeded back into the building. When I got there, instead of having all my books ready to go, she then started scanning then at a snail's pace. The lady with the list was still hanging around reading off titles, by the way. I didn't think it was going to be physically possible for me to leave there without blowing up, but I did. It probably took an hour for my blood pressure to return to normal though.

Oh, so the late fees. They came from the latest movies I watched. The first being Stranger Than Fiction (not worth it) and Waitress which was adorable and charming and I didn't mind paying the late fee for because that meant I got to watch it twice. I never used to like Keri Russel but now I totally love her just because of this movie. Thanks Anna for writing about it! I can't find the exact post right now though. In between those movies and then last ones I wrote about we also watched Catch & Release, which was cute and we liked it because it was set and filmed in Boulder.

Well, it's about that time of night where I need to start praying for contractions. My widwife is on call tomorrow and that would be a fantastic day to go to the hospital...