Dear Jacob: July/August 2008

Dear Jacob,

This was supposed to be July's post, but we were rushing to leave for Camp, to surprise you and I never had time to finish. Then we got back from our weekend away and there was catching up to be done and it got pushed down on the priority list. Then we left for Camp again and I swore it would be done. Well now we're back and it's definitely getting done. I can't say it's going to be organized though. In fact, it's probably going to be a little disorganized and rambling. The only kind of order is going to be chronological, the way I recorded the notes. There may be be some repeats and tenses go back and forth, but this all just goes to show how chaotic our lives have been lately.

July and August were characterized by the 'dirty face' that I so hate, the sudden violence, the constant movement. I think this may be what stands out for me as the four year old thing - the constant movement. The jumping on things, jumping onto things, jumping off of things, running around, climbing things, hitting, being grabby. You've been a flurry of movement, like the Tazmanian Devil.

The acting up got out of control since the baby was born. I hate the dirty face so much that sometimes I want to slap it away. You're so stressed out that you grind your teeth like mad at night. I think the one thing you need most is to be still with your parents, be given attention with no mention of the baby, for us to act like she doesn't exist.

For a few days we'd been able to give you more individual attention and it did wonders for your behavior. When you act up I remind you that you don't have to act up to get attention, to use your words and we'll give you what you need. You've been getting better at that, and I've been getting better at listening to you and stopping what I'm doing to give you the attention you're craving.

You love your little sister. When you're doing something particularly 'grown up' or dare-devilish, you want me to hold her up so she can watch you and learn from you. One morning in bed I caught you leaning over whispering in her ear "I love you so much" when you didn't think I could hear you. You're starting to sing these little sing-song ditties, which I think is related to the soft, high-pitched voice you use with Beanie.

We'd been swimming a lot this summer and you were getting better and better. You were asking to take off your swimmies, so one day in MamMa's pool we did. And then you were suddenly swimming on your own! You paddle around fast and furious and the swimmies haven't gone back on. I can't believe you can swim like that now, I'm so proud of you!

Then there was the night mid-August when you first told me you hate me. It was 11pm and I wouldn't let you play your Caillou game on the computer. Even though it was about something stupid, it still felt like an arrow through my heart. You said, "I'll get mad if you don't let me play it and I'll be happy if you do." I think this was when the threats began.

You've also been really into your 'man parts'. And if I haven't already embarrassed you I'll also say that you went through a short phase of 'marking your territory'. And I'll leave it at that until you come home with a new girlfriend someday and I need to come up with a really good story to tell.

When you were a tiny baby we said, "Oh, this is the best age." And then we kept saying it for each new phase of your development. All your stages were the best at one point, but not this one. This is the first time I have felt myself longing for an earlier time. It's your little punk phase. You've been really learning a lot of crap from Marisa, most notably, that pose from Hannah Montana when you watched it with her one day. Then there was the middle finger issue which I think we were able to stamp out within two or three days of its inception. I don't think you know what it means, and I don't know where the actual gesture came from, but sadly, I have to admit that part of your awareness about it came from within our house.

And lastly, by far the one thing that occupies your brain energy the most is your fantasies and imaginary play are all about Spud. You and Spud did this, you and Spud did that. You and Spud are going to build something, you and Spud are going to destroy something, play a joke on someone, you guys ate a certain something for lunch, you're going to start a farm with him. Anything you can imagine. I wish I could say I'd written down some of your conversations with him or about him because they're really something, but I am unashamed to say that I have began tuning them out and responding with, "Oh really?", "Uh huh," and neutral statements as such.

To end the month, I am extremely happy to report that you have begun to come back to us, and it has made me so happy.

At a playgroup a couple weeks ago you were being absolutely, downright mean to me (as you had taken to being). I don't believe I've ever left a playgroup early because of your behavior. You don't usually act like that in front of other people, and also, I'm too selfish, I don't want to leave so I never threaten it. You were talking back to me, hitting me, running away when I told you to stay put...all the things you'd been doing. And I snapped. I said that was it, we're leaving, picked up our bag, the baby and walked to the gate. You suddenly turned into the sweet little boy I know and started begging me to stay but I held firm (I never threaten something if I don't plan to follow-through) and we left.

Things only got worse when we got home and I went off the hook taking things away from you. You lost your Scoop tent, your tool bench, all your tools, a ton of other stuff. I put it in big bags and told you that every time you were mean to me or acted out such as you had been that you would lose one thing from the bag permanently. Each time you've exhibited good behavior (without the getting back your toys) I give one back.

I don't think it was necessarily taking away most valuable possessions, but more the fact that you were waiting to see where I would draw the line and I finally showed you. Not that I hadn't snapped in all the weeks before that, I guess I just got it right that time. Of course things are not perfect now, but they immediately got better. It's like I chased the beast that possessed you right out of your system. You've come back to us in a big way and it feels like a thousand pounds have been lifted from my heart.