Dear Sabine

Dear Sabine,

Sometimes I look at you and I'm sure I must be dreaming. You are so beautiful and perfect that it takes my breath away. I can't believe how lucky I am to finally have you here with us, and at times I actually think I must be imagining this life.

Since the day you were born you've stopped old ladies dead in their tracks, won the admiration of small children, and provoked stories from empty-nesters of how it seems like yesterday their adult children were that small. Today at the co-op a woman told me you looked like a little doll sitting propped up the way you were. I unabashedly agreed, and I wholeheartedly accept the compliments that are lavished on you.

I am enjoying the attention from strangers, but it also makes me very wary; wary that I'm using up all the happiness of life in these precious days of your babyhood. Is that possible? Can a person be so greedy with their good fortune that they use up their life's quota all in one shot? I desperately hope not, but the cynic in me is staying well-aware of the fact that good things have been happening all around. Deep down I must believe that if I can continually stay conscious of the good thing we've got going, then I will maintain a firm grip on the good luck, that I can will it to stay around forever, if such a thing in possible.

Basically, I will never take my children's presence for granted. So please, please, please, don't let anything happen to them.

Sabine, you still want to stand up all the time. And when you aren't standing you are doing what I call your v-crunches. This is when we try to lay you on the floor but you pop your little head up like you're trying to sit up and then your little legs pop up off the ground. You refuse to relax and you just stay in position like that. I'm sure when you are older there will be some important part of your personality or way of being in the world where I'll look back and say, "Yeah, she's been like that since she was a baby - she never wanted to lay down, or let a minute of life pass unobserved."

Sometimes you look back at me, or the person who is holding you, just a glance to make sure we're still there, or confirm who it is that's holding you. When it's me, you turn your little head to see me out of the corner or your eye and then you give a little satisfied smile. Or when you just wake up a little, opening your eyes a crack just to see that I'm there and you're still in my lap. Then you drift back to sleep. I love being your security center. It's also kind of dangerous though because right now I'm the only person who will make you happy at times. It's such a great feeling to be loved so much by another person, but I also know how being so attached like that to one person can absolutely kill you at times.

we're getting better at bedtime though. Even though I'm the only one you'll take at night, at least I'm learning about what you need to fall asleep and stay asleep. When Jacob was a baby we had no idea about babies and sleep. So this is progress.

At five months you are so alert. But then again, you've been like that literally since the day you were born. You're just about to crawl, getting up on your hands and feet, then lunging yourself forward. You just have to do it one time to realize that that is the way it's done. Then there'll be no stopping you!

You're very into your feet these days. You stick out your tongue to say hi to people and it is the cutest thing I have ever seen. You can't figure out why your thumb won't come off of your hand when you pull with the other hand. You love, love, love Jacob. Yours eyes sparkle when he enters the room. You have long, long hair that I can already put things in. You're long for your age. You have those beautiful eye lashes that Jacob has too. You're starting to really like to play with the dogs. You like being outside, but still hate the carseat.

I'm writing all of this as much for myself as I am for you. That way incase I ever wake from this lovely dream I'm having, I'll at least have these memories of it.