Dear Jacob: Winter 2009/2010

Dear Jacob,

Today is my Daddy's birthday. There was a while there when you were younger when I never even mentioned my father to you. I was afraid that if I talked about him, I would have to tell you what happened when I was a child, and that you might begin to fear the same thing happening to one of your parents. I came to a point where I realized that by applying my own childhood fear to you, I was also depriving you of knowing about a really great guy.

The day you saw an old family portrait of mine and didn't know the man in the photo made me really sad. I told you about him then, and you didn't seem to make the connection that this meant your parents could die one day. You asked a lot of questions, and I answered them as honestly as I could. These were really hard conversations to have with you because they were things I don't like to even think about. I'm hoping though this is one of the benefits of having kids; that you'll force me to think about things like that, and in doing so, maybe your fresh innocent perspective on the matter will help me come to terms with my own mortality.

Anyway, there continued to be conversations; they got more intense and more difficult, but they also gave you the chance to really develop compassion. You decided that Bartie the rabbit was in Heaven with Gordie...and when you heard about Daddy's grandfather, you painted a pretty picture about them knowing each other, and when Ma Betty died last year, I think this idea of Heaven you'd created for yourself really helped you deal with her death. I like the way you picture Heaven, and if it's ok, I think I'll try to adopt it for myself, as well.

You're a fun kid to have conversations with, and I enjoy your perspective on things. You're also very active, so it was a continuous project finding plenty of things for you to do this winter. We went outside a lot, of course. But when we weren't outside you kept busy with your imagination. You can play with one thing for hours, lost in your own little world. This is one of the things I think is still really important for kids your age, and one of the reasons I wanted to have you homeschool. We've decided that you are going to go to school for first grade in the fall. The thing is that we live in a very small school district, so you'll go to a one-room school house. How cool is that? It's only for kindergarten and first grade, so this will be the last chance for you to go there. I'm very grateful for this last year though, I think it's allowed you and Sabine to become close and form a strong bond. She is going to be one of the things that you miss the most when you go to school next year. But we don't know what's going to happen after first grade. You may come back home again for school.
You got rollerblades for Christmas this year and that gave you hours upon hours of entertainment right here in the house, scratching up the floors, playing hockey with 'the team'. We also brought your rollerblades into Daddy's work on the days when the indoor track was empty and had like a giant gym class with you and Sabine. You guys ran around like crazy playing with all the equipment - we're really lucky to be able to do stuff like that. You also brought your remote control helicopter to the college and you flew it up to the high ceilings. You flew it around our house a lot too, and you're really good at it.
At home you played with the brick building set I got you. This is something you could do on your own, mix up the mortar and build crazy designs. It was fun to see a three dimensional representation of what goes on in your mind. You've been doing a lot of school work too. I think you're really good at math. We also read a ton together. It's still one of my favorite things to do with you. And then just recently you really started to get it about reading. You can sit down with Sabine and read her some simple books (still with a little help with hard words). It's so cool to see!
You're still so very good with Sabine. You do everything for her. On the nights when Daddy and I wanted to watch a TV show but you guys were still awake, you got into this routine of going up to bed with Sabine and reading to her. I'd come up on a commercial break and find you guys both fast asleep, all snuggled up together. That's got to be the absolute best part of motherhood.

When we go to Playschool you help out with Sabine so much so that I can get all my responsibilities taken care of. Some days it's almost like you're her little classroom aide. At playschool this year we had an Olympics day during the two week period when the real Olympics were going on. It was very cute to see all the kids tramping around waving their flags. I got these big chills when I looked around the room at everyone and saw you over there, waving your flag and taking it so seriously. For a minute there I thought I was in one of the Proctor & Gamble Olympic campaign commercials and that you were a real olympian. It was like foreshadowing of what your life will be like. I would love for you to become an Olympic athlete...but I don't really want to put a second mortgage down on the house, so I could go either way ;-)
So I've got lots of pictures of you, most of them crazy ones, but what I don't have a picture of it where we went earlier today. You asked me if you could make a card for Gordie and bury in the backyard. I don't know where you ever got the idea to bury it like that, but how appropriate. I offered you another idea: I told you we could go leave the card by his grave. I've never brought you there; never even told you of its existence. I didn't want to 'go there' yet, figuratively. I hadn't even been there in years myself. But I took a deep breath and we went. It was a beautiful day, and I let you and Sabine wander around for a bit. You ugys looked so cute walking hand-in-hand while you pointed stuff out to her. I tried to think of it as an experience that was bringing fresh, youthful energy to a place that represents death. After a while we left the card you made and put it under some rocks. I told you it wouldn't stay there forever and you seemed ok with that. It was so lovely seeing my kids there in the pretty sunshine, I knew if I had brought my camera it would be hard to resist the urge to take a photo, but it just didn't seem like a moment I should be capturing on camera like that. It's a moment I prefer to hold onto in my heart.

Love,

Mommy