A Mother's Nightmare

The phone rings at 8am and I am jolted out of my nightmare. I had been on the floor of the mall, crumpled on the terracotta tiling, sobbing my heart out. I had just run into a mother I know with twins, who after I asked simply, "Have you talked to my mother?" her own face contorted to express the pain she was feeling for my situation.

I thought that since she has two alike, that maybe I could just borrow one of them for a while. The twins are just a bit taller than he would be yet they have the same slender build, If I could just bring one home and pull her into my arms maybe I could pretend it wasn't happening.

There I was with my arms aching; burning and empty. Then the dream police call to sweep me out of Hell. I awake and for a minute I am frozen in fear, unable to decide it if is real or not. All at once the weight of the nightmare hits me and my breath is taken away. I am crying real tears now, and it is as if the dream was real. It doesn't matter that it's not; if I can think it, then it might very well have happened. The pain in the dream transfers to living fear. It will not go away.

If there is a chance that something this awful can happen in the future, then it might as well happen now. All of time is the same to a mother.

I think I would die, but I know I wouldn't. I would simply cease to live. I would need to be drugged heavily, distracted and all my illusions indulged.

As soon as the paralysis eases, I stumble up to the bed where the one who is my life sleeps, unaware of the danger my dreams hold for him. I gather him up and pull him close. My tears mark his cheeks, and in time my breath returns.

I keep telling myself it was just a dream, but the truth is that this gushing wound will never fully heal. It will morph into a scar that I carry with me for the rest of my life. I'll try to keep the terror at bay, but I don't think life can happen without it.