The Baby Itch

I held a baby yesterday. A really teeny, tiny one. Jakie and I were at a playgroup at a friend's house and everyone there either said, "Oh Stacey is holding a baby again..." or rolled their eyes or gestured in some other way that indicated they were thinking what the others had said aloud. I guess they know me well. It's nice to be in a group where you have a certain role or a certain identity. I don't think I ever had this before; a group where you can feel comfortable being yourself and you know you're genuinely liked just for being you. Motherhood has given me this; one of the benefits of something I didn't know I wanted for myself at such a young age. But I never had the chance to long for a baby of my own.

Oh, I've always had the baby 'itch'. I've always loved babies, craved to hold them, to be close and breathe in their sweet scent. I remember when I was a kid my mom used to volunteer at a hospital where she'd go and simply hold the preemies, rocking with them for hours on end, giving them the contact their frail bodies needed to thrive. I was so jealous of my mom. I wanted to tag along and hold the babies too. She said I had to be 18 years-old, and I couldn't wait til I turned 18. I knew I'd still want to hold a baby then. And I still do now.

So now that Jacob is a big boy, and it seems everyone I know is pregnant, I find myself having a new feeling: Baby ache. Part of me thinks this is crazy - I'm just getting to a point with Jacob where he takes care of a lot of his own needs and I've got a little bit of life that exists outside of his world. I wonder how we would ever afford another baby, where this new person would even fit into the house, much less our lives. But then I watch Jacob looking at me holding a baby, and I see the pure glee in his eyes. I feel it most strongly then.

I've got her named and everything; yes, her. I have a couple baby name books that I've been reading at night, trying to pick out the perfect middle name. I can't see her face, but I can picture the way she'll look standing in the grass, back to me, free spirit facing the world. Her golden brown curls (to match mine) are blowing in the wind and I think she's either giggling, or looking to the sky in awe. It feels so real now that I'm afraid to wait til after our trip. I'm afraid by then the moment will have passed. I confided this to some of the moms yesterday, and the ones with mulitples assured me it will not go away. That's good to know...but what if it never goes away?

When I'm out shopping, I see items that I want for the baby. The color brown for some reason is really grabbing my attention lately. The craziest part of me takes this as a sign from the little soul that I almost believe must already exist out there somewhere - just waiting to come home, already exerting her influence over me. I talk about it as if it's a life I'm already living. Again, part of me thinks it's crazy to risk messing up the good thing we've got going here with the three of us (and the five non-humans). The other part of me knows I am banking too much on this; I am challenging fate, making room for something to go wrong.

Last time I knew there was no way I could be fully prepared for the tidal wave of motherhood. Jacob was the baby I didn't know would change my life so much for the better; this next baby is one the I am getting ready for. I may not be pregnant yet, but in a way, I am already expecting.