Dear Diary: 9/15/08

I was sitting up in bed early this morning nursing Beanie when Zach walked in. "In the middle of the night did you get up and hand the baby to me because I said I couldn't get her from the angle she was at in the co-sleeper?" He didn't think he did so I asked him if he was sure...he thought maybe that could have happened.

Cuz I woke up with the her next to me and I didn't know how she got there but I had a vague recollection of the scenario I described to Zach. She'd been making these little grunty sounds and I thought I had a minute to take my time and wake up because she was in the co-sleeper. Somewhere along the line I realized she was next to me in the crook of my arm. I came-to and realized the blanket was covering her face a little bit and that's why she was all grunty. This is something people who argue against co-sleeping cite as problematic. The thing is, I tuned in and took care of the situation. And I'm not going to roll over on Beanie and smother her, even if I'm in auto-mode in the middle of the night, on some level I'm completely aware of where the baby is in relation to me and we're in sync. Also, people've got to realize that a baby is not going down without a fight. They're going to flail about and shriek and let you know you're crushing them, and unless a person is totally drunk or drugged-up, they're going to wake the hell up and realize what's happening.

Anyway, this is not what I meant to journal about: My point is I am losing my mind. Not my mind per say, but my memory. I am having these almost blackout-like moments. And they are happening everyday. I go through entire portions of my day on auto-pilot where I have no recollection of them later. I am turning into Zach is what it is. And that is scary because I have always been the one with the memory. The one who remembers to set the alarm clock, who takes care of the calendar stuff, the one who remembers where random possessions were last seen, the one who always has the exact item you need when you're out on the road - whether it be sewing kit, band aid, extra snack - when you think we're out of mayonnaise, just check the cupboard because chances are I've already taken care of it. The reliable one. Every household needs a reliable one. It's the glue that holds a family unit together.

More than the fact that the 'glue' seems to be drying out, the idea that parts of my brain may be slipping away from me permanently is what's really scary. I'm assuming that it's the fact of the newborn occupying our house that my mind is failing me, but what if it is just me and not my lack of sleep? What if it's my age? What if it never comes back?

I was really sick the end of last week into the weekend. I couldn't catch a break, take a rest. Saturday morning I probably felt worse than the two days before. I didn't think I could make it to Cory's baby shower, but on I went. When we were leaving I told Mom that I didn't feel as tired out as I thought I'd be. Then I realized that it was because Jacob had stayed with Jamie. Even though I wasn't in bed, I had a three hour break from the one thing in my life that requires the most energy. It's not the new baby that is making me exhausted, but the older child who's suddenly become a tornado of endless energy in light of the new baby. I expend an enormous amount of energy on Jacob. He is totally worth it though.

Despite being exhausted, I realize that I am happier than I have ever been. I am so lucky in my life. I have great friends, a great husband, beautiful kids, and even though I'm not always happy with my country, I'm really lucky to be living here.