Is anyone out there?

What do you do when your mom is out of town, your friends' husbands are all home for the weekend having family time, your sister is a bitch and probably isn't even in town anyway, you can't get a hold of your mother-in-law to define what 'later on' means, you've just put in the last-resort phone call to your husband begging him to come home immediately and he says no?

What do you do when it's almost 3pm and you're still wearing the clothes you slept in, which incidentally, are the clothes you were wearing during the day yesterday. the baby finally stopped trying to climb up your legs only because she found an empty beer bottle in the recycling bin, has just discovered it makes a cool noise when banged on the somewhat new hardwood floor and is alternately mouthing the outside of it?

What do you do when you're sure that you are permanently damaging your five year old's self-esteem, you've exhausted the television-as-babysitter sanity method and you're about to murder the boy foe continually doing things that are probably normal five year old behaviors but when accumulated together make you want to tear your ears off of your head and there is no one around to stop you?

Answers: Emergency help line, rubber room, tranquilizer gun, respectively. These are my wish list items.