Dear Jacob: June 2008

Dear Jacob,

This is the month that everything changed. The bulk of June was just us before Sabine came to join our family. It was our last moments of being 'just us'. Early on in the month I wrote about how I felt that I was about to forget what it's like to be your mother only and it made me incredibly sad. It such a happy thing to have your baby sister here but I feel a loss for the Jacob who was an only child and got all of his parents' attention. I feel a loss for 'the three of us', yet I look forward to the future as a complete family unit. For me, June was spent savoring my time with you, trying to bottle up the memories to look back on and enjoy.

At the beginning of the month we ran out of pullups and I am getting so sick of buying them that I was not ready to empty my $17 checking account balance to keep you in diapers. For three nights in a row you spent most of the night in your little bed with no diaper. Daddy got up 2 or three times a night to take you to the bathroom to pee - and really, who does that? What kid your age still pees that much through the night?! We thought this was really cool that we could get by without pullups until the third night when an hour after you feel asleep Daddy went to get you and the bed was completely flooded with urine and you were sound asleep. Child, how could this not wake you? Everything got it, the pillow, blanket, mattress pad used to protect the mattress, the mattress, your clothes, your hair (wtf?). Suddenly buying pullups doesn't seem so bad anymore.

Those three nights you spent in your little bed, it stayed on the floor of your room. Then on the fourth night it moved into the bedroom. We got into a good routine of you sleeping there, right next to us, but in your own bed. I was happy for the extra room in the bed, being nine months pregnant and all. Sabine was born and came home, you stayed in the little bed for a couple nights, moving into the big bed in the middle of the night. But after that and for the last few nights you've been completely in the big bed. Perhaps you're laying claim to the bed, afraid some smaller child will take your place?

Also in the sleep department, you'd been laughing out loud as you were dreaming. It was really cure while it lasted. Now that you're all stressed out with the new baby you've been grinding your teeth more than ever. It is the most horrible sound and all the things I used to be able to do to get you to stop no longer work. I have to shake you to wake you up and tell you to stop. Then in your half sleep you get mad and lash out with your legs kicking or your arms punching. Yeah, fun times.

Though we recently took a step backward in the sleeping situation, in every other aspect of your life you seem to be such a 'big boy'. You've started taking showers. We put the water on for you, but after that it's all you. You wash up yourself, rinse off, wash your hair, turn the water off, towel dry yourself, put on lotion all by yourself. Some nights we're allowed to help with certain aspects, but all of a sudden you are an independent bather.

You are the object of affection to a few little girls we know. There's one at playschool, one at gymnastics, and maybe one or two others. I don't really witness it, but their mothers report that they talk about you all the time.

On the construction front you're still completely gung ho. A few weeks ago you were upstairs (supposedly getting ready for bed) and Daddy and I kept hearing banging. After a while I realized that you'd had the hammer earlier in the day. "Uh...he might actually be hammering something real." I told Daddy. We went to investigate and found the you hard at work hanging a little woven hammock thing that I intended to store stuffed animals in. You did a pretty darn good job though so we decided to leave it up just that way.


You are so strong, and really eager to prove it too. You go around lifting things and calling our attention to it. You're also climbing things. You've always been a climber, but now it's moved into things like walls with nothing to grab onto or fences and trees.

Another thing you've recently taken to is playing on the computer. I'm pretty impressed that you can manipulate the little touch pad on the laptop. We go to pbskids.org and you can be occupied for an hour playing some of the games on your own. It's great.

Something that I've noticed a lot lately is the black and white thinking that is characteristic of this age. Everything is seen is 'good or bad' terms. Daddy and I have to be very careful what we say around you now. Any little thing that we say that could be interpreted in a bad way you'll hear and take on the opinion that that person or thing is bad. We realize we're shaping your opinions about the world and we want you to be able to make your own judgments, not become a robot who blindly takes on his parents' views. Of course there are subjects of which I'd prefer you fall on a certain side of, but for the most part I want you to have your own mind.

On the night before Sabine was born I looked out the bedroom window and saw a fox in the driveway. I hissed to Daddy to come see it but I guess I startled the fox and it ran away by the time he got out of bed. I thought you were asleep the whole time but in the morning you told me that you wanted to see it too and that next time I shouldn't be so loud as to scare it away. You must have been in a light sleep and kind of been aware of what I was saying but not enough to wake up and talk about it then. Since then you've been severely freaked out that there are foxes everywhere and you make up stories about foxes eating other animals and all kinds of other things. Since you were old enough to talk there has always been one or another nocturnal animal that's been the main player in your nighttime horror scenarios.


It's kind of cute to see that you are still so young in certain ways. I don't want you growing up too fast. But then again you might always have a specific fear like that. I don't really mind bugs but moths freak me out. One fluttered in my ear a few weeks ago, I screamed a blood curdling scream, scared the crap out of you, and you took a few steps back, tripped over a tool that was waiting to go down to the basement, and almost fell down the basement stairs. I don't know how I had time to react, but I grabbed you just before you were about to fall backwards down the basement stairs. I almost killed you over a moth. So I wouldn't be surprised if you develop a lifelong fear of moths too!

The rest of the month has been consumed by the baby. You are in love with her. You're just like we thought you'd be. You talk about all the things you'll teach her, you hold her and pet her, kiss her and play with her. On the opposite end of the spectrum, your unruly moments are very, very unruly. At times I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around you. When you act out in those moments I feel as if I don't know you anymore. But we're doing all the things that you're supposed to do and I think we'll get by. I think one of the things you need is some alone time with me. I wishing for that too, which is why I'll sign off now and go read you a book in bed.