Dear Jacob: October 2007

Dear Jacob.

This month you turned four! See previous post to find out what I think about the passage of time. I start these little posts early on in the month, as soon as something noteworthy happens and I add to it as cute things come up. I scribble notes on the back of receipts, the outside of envelopes and teeny scraps of paper. I carry them around in my back pocket until those notes get recorded on blogger and then when the end of the month comes all I have to do is go through and turn it into full sentences. The perfect method for a procrastinator like me.

This month there seems to be so much more though. You're continually amazing me. Everything you do amazes me so sometimes it's difficult to sort of what other people are going to care about and what things only a mother could appreciate. You know how people say "If you were stranded on a desert island, what one person would you want to be there with?" I finally have an answer. I would want to be with you. I would most certainly not want to be without you. Being forced to be without you is my biggest fear - but that's a topic for a more neurotic post. Even on a daily basis I don't want to be away from you. I enjoy your company that much. If I were not your mother, would I still say the same thing? Probably not. But that's what mothers are for - unconditional love - and I'm so glad to be yours.

This is the abbreviated version of October 2007 because that intro sapped all of my writing energy:

Early in the month: "I don't know how to fix toilets...yet." Oh boy, I just know some day I'll walk into the room and you'll have the whole bathroom torn apart trying to figure out how the pipes work.

You were asking for something that I wasn't hearing correctly so you thought of a different way to convey it to me . "No, the things outside, in the sky?" Oh, stars lotion! I realized you must have been referring to the shimmer lotion on the dresser, you wanted some of it. The fact that you thought to call it stars lotion alone is something, but holy crap, I know a lot of adults, actually most adults I know can't figure out the concept that if someone doesn't understand what you are saying, say it a different way. You do this, you have this ability to realize that an adult is not understanding and you completely change your tactic. You're adaptable like that.

"Oh my GOD, oh my GODDDD!" "I'm so hungry!" You say Oh my God a lot now. You kind of have to hear it to appreciate it.

You still love to clean, and we are still nurturing that passion. Daddy told me that when you guys were getting ready to leave the house the other day you wanted to clean up some dirt on the floor so you ran to get the dust buster, sucked up the mess, then continued on vacuuming even when Daddy told you it was time to leave. "Just let me do a little more, I see some dog hair over here." You probably startled Daddy into thinking I was in the room. Later on that day I was cleaning out the fridge, so you started helping yourself to the wipes I was using and you cleaned the kitchen floor with them. Then you got out the dust buster again, and when you were done with that you plugged it back in and returned it to its starting position.

For 'the wild', you still say 'wireless'. I stop to explain that "It's called THE WILD, not wireless," but you still get it mixed up. This is great. Even the most nature-loving kid I know gets the great outdoors confused with the great internet.

You seem to have a case of junior road rage. "Who's that guy beeping at?!" "What's up with that lady?" Um...I have NO idea where that could have come from.

You express your feelings so well. When you don't want to do something, or you want to do something I won't let you do, you stand there in front of me and are able to explain yourself in a way that women have been trying to get men to do since the beginning of time. "Mommy, I don't think I can finish my dinner because my belly is telling me it's full"
"My mouth is telling me it wants something to chew on."
"I feel like I need something to kick/cut/bite/etc."
"I feel like gum and the Gilmore Girls."
"But I need a parent to fall asleep. I can't fall asleep by myself! I just want somebody to fall asleep with..."

You're the road police - when we're walking you extend your arm and hold up your hand like a crossing guard to alert cars they need to stop for us. At first I used to push your hand down and try to stop you because it was a little embarrassing that you were acting so self-important. But I've come to appreciate its cuteness and I've realized that sadly, I'm probably the only one who notices.

"I have to look something up on the internet." You said this to the librarian the other day. Of course you don't know how to do that yet, but this just goes to show that you're part of a whole new generation that will do scary things with technology.

Sensitive! We were watching the episode of Gilmore Girls where Rory first goes off to college. At the end of the episode Lorelai walks into her empty house and the semi-sad music plays as she looks around the place. I looked over to see you with your eyes welling up and your chin quivering. You noticed me noticing you and you said, "It's sad that Rory isn't with Lorelai anymore" and you voice cracked. "Oh honey, it's ok." I consoled. "You can cry if you want to, honey." And you burst into tears. You practically jumped over Daddy to fall into my arms. You are such a beautifully sensitive kid and it makes me so happy to see this, but it also kills me because I know if means you're going to feel the hurts of the world more deeply than most people. I'm proud and terrified all at once to know that you carry a deep sense of a mother and child's reciprocal need to be with one another in the world.

And it made me sad too, Jacob. I love that we both love to be with each other so much. And I will always love being with you. You, however, will grow out of that someday. That sucks. How does a parent reconcile that? How does one willingly create something to fall madly in love with while knowing full well that one day the creature will get and walk away from you?

Junior Photographer

In the past few months Jacob has really gotten into taking pictures. He finally figured out that the best way to get back at my for always taking pictures of him was not to refuse the pictures, but to demand I pose for him in exchange. He's really good though. He's very careful with my camera and always gets the entire subject in the frame, with very little camera shake as well.

Here's a photo from a couple months ago that we like to call 'Stacking Cups'

After tiring of shooting his toys, Jacob went in for the reflection shot.

And one day he discovered portraits.

Then he really took off with the portraits one day at a local nature preserve.

Jacob enjoys posing people.

He's also careful to pay attention to the elements of photography.
Here is an example of a framing effect (also, leading lines).

And who doesn't enjoy a good nature photo?

Four Years Ago Today...

...I had just given birth. It's shocking to me how fast that time has gone by. Anyway, I don't have much to say because I've been feeling sick lately and I'm so pooped from the birthday party preparations, and Halloween is looming right before me, for which I'm completely unprepared.

I don't have anything funny to say about it like last year, but I do want to say Happy Birthday to Jacob! We had a party here at the house with family and a few friends. It was nice enough outside that the kids mostly played there. It was the first of his parties we've ever had here because the house is finally big enough to fit everyone. It was pretty much perfect. No one overdid it with the presents, Jacob got his carrot cake he's been asking for since his last birthday, and he got to blow out his candles by HIMSELF.

This was a big deal because last year Jacob wasn't getting them blown out so I leaned over his head and tried to be smooth about blowing them out so that he would think he had done it. Unfortunately at the same exact moment, Jacob turned his head and when he turned back the candles were out. He knew he didn't blow them out and he knew it couldn't have come from the left because that's the way he had looked. The only place remaining was to his right where his little friend Emma sat by his side. I imagine the picture of it running through his mind somewhat akin to the Lee Harvey Oswald/JFK shooting/single bullet theory phenomenon. I remember it in slow motion. On the video from his birthday you can't hear him say it, but you can see him mouth, "Hey! Emma blew out my candles!" And then he started to cry. I scrambled to re-light them but the moment was lost. His moment of truth has been ruined by a two year old, or so that's what he thought.

Jacob held this grudge for the entire year and just in the last couple weeks has come around to enjoying the company of Emma again. He still believes she blew out his candles even though I finally got around to admitting to him that it was me. And the first thing he said about his party this year when it was over is, "I got to blow out my candles and no kids did!" The urge to blow out his candles by himself was so strong that for months leading up to his party he told me he didn't want any other kids at his party. Just adults - and carrot cake. But even though my sister's rambunctious step-son was lingering a little too close over Jacob's shoulder when it came time for candles, no one else did steal his fire. I think I can finally stop feeling guilty about blowing out his candles last year, and start remembering that he wouldn't be here in the first place if it weren't for me.

The Facts of Life

Not for the faint of heart of weak-stomached.
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On Saturday I had plans to take Jacob to Keene Pumpkinfest like I do every year, but I couldn't get anyone to go with me and I was apathetic about going alone. So we lingered here at home for a little too long and the passage of time alone sort of ruled out Keene as an option. So instead, Jacob and I opted to go to a familiar town about halfway between here and there. I was upstairs putting the finishing touches on my face when Jacob yelled up that there was a deer in the road. He tells some tall tales a lot so I didn't believe him at first. Then he said it was laying in the road, so I peaked out the upstairs window where I could see traffic stopped. Then I ran downstairs in time to see the deer struggle to get up, stagger into our driveway and cross over to Stella's lawn. I must have gone to yell to Zach - although he tells me he was at the window by then, so maybe I just filtered it out of my memory. After that the deer disappeared.

A bunch of cars were stopped all along the highway, and people were getting out of their cars. I was already crossing the lawn with the phone in my hand, but at that point I couldn't think straight enough to remember who it was you should call in a situation like that. It was apparent that someone had already called the police so Zach, Jacob and I just kind of stood around on the front lawn trying to figure out what to do. Eventually we realized that someone Zach knows from work was pulled over on the side of the road, so he went over to talk to him and I took Jacob to knock on Stella's door just incase she didn't already know what was going on. Everyone had assumed that the deer had run off into the woods, but when we rounded the corner the deer was right there, sitting on the side of Stella's driveway.

It was startling and it was beautiful. I've never been that close to a deer in the wild. He just looked at us and appeared as if he could just be hanging out.

Up until that point it hadn't occurred to me that anything would have to be done. I guess I just naively thought that he got a little knocked around and would be fine, maybe need to be rehabilitated. This is how childlike I am in my awe of nature and all things belonging to nature. For a split second I had visions of us nursing it back to health in our backyard, etc, etc.

Since Stella wasn't home we went back to our house and I reported to Zach and his friend that the deer was still there. The friend said they'd have to 'put it out of its misery' and walked with me while I pointed out the deer, and then back to our lawn again. It was clear that we'd been in some mode of packing or unpacking so he asked us, "Are you coming or going?" He suggested that we try to leave as soon as we could, "because it's probably going to be a gunshot," he said motioning toward Jacob with his chin. I was stunned. I hadn't realized that they'd have to put the deer down. And in the minute between realizing that and hearing that it would be by gun, I was imagining a soft, peaceful injection with people petting the deer and cooing sweetly to it, just like at the vet's. I guess I was just in shock and the rational part of my brain was taking a temporary vacation.

Zach and I kind of looked at each other and panicked. We hurried inside, where the house reeked of smoke (Jacob's forgotten grilled cheese still in the grilling process) and set about to finish packing what Jacob and I would need for our day trip. We rushed out the front door but no sooner were the words "Oh shit" coming out my mouth and I was grabbing Jacob by one arm, lifting him into the air and back into the house. I could see two police officers getting into position on Stella's back lawn, but thankfully a low bush was blocking the thing they were forming around because as far as Jacob is concerned that was the sound of a car backfiring.

They fired two shots before we could get back inside, and another two before I could make it to the depth of the house, closing Jacob in the bathroom with me. I'm grateful he didn't ask why we were in the bathroom, but he's not dumb, I'm pretty sure he has a hunch - a good enough hunch to know that he doesn't want to know; the same way I don't want to know what's on the evening news.

They kept firing shots, and I could swear it numbered in the dozens, but Zach says it was only eight. I still think he's wrong. It really is just like they say with witnesses to crimes. Psychological studies show that witnesses are frequently completely off on blatant details you would normally be right on with given an ordinary circumstance. We had no choice, and I couldn't keep sitting in the driveway, so we chanced it and made a run for the car as they were reloading or something. Then we made our way down the street to hear the last of the bullets.

Zach was already late for work, but I guess he had to stick around to speak with the officer because Stella wasn't home. He got the awful details of what went down. He reported to me that since it was the weekend no one from the DEC was available. They would normally come with a rifle which would be a more humane (?) way of 'taking care of it'. Instead the officer only has a little hand gun to work with. And so the deer, while being repeatedly impaled with bullets, kept getting up in an attempt to run away. I can't even deal with that information. I wish Zach hadn't told me that detail, but I guess like me, he needed to purge himself of the wretchedness. After the job was done, they left the deer there. Zach was informed that it was Stella's responsibility to remove the deer since it was on her property. Doesn't matter that the deer way hit on the highway, it staggered into Stella's yard, so it's hers to deal with. That's such bull shit. Between Zach calling the station and telling them there's no way an 85 year old woman was going to be able to deal with that, and some other magic, the deer was removed but we still don't know by whom.

Before the police left though, they walked Zach over to where the deer ended up so he would know to alert Stella. He said that the deer looked peaceful. I don't know if that's true or not, but I'm choosing to believe it.

I can't get past the whole deer thing. It's just so senseless. He didn't even look that banged up. He looked strong and marvelous and there's no reason for the violent way he was killed. I'm sure I must sound crazy to most people for talking about a deer this way. But that is me. I love all animals, value their lives just as much as humans (who are just another kind of animal) and I am extremely sensitive. I find myself just standing there at the front door, or in the driveway on my way to get the mail, frozen in place, watching it happen over again. I don't feel sorry for myself, or even Jacob who saw the deer get hit. I did feel bad for the police officer and for the man who hit the deer. I feel terrible for the deer, for the way he had to die and the fear that must have been pulsing through him.

I did feel bad for the man until Zach told me what a dick he was. He never once ventured over to see the deer, to make sure it was ok. All he did was stand there and bitch about how much it was going to cost to fix his car and how much his insurance was going to go up. I can't stand people like that, who treat animals as if they are a nuisance - ever think we're the nuisance?

So the one thing that makes me feel better about hating this guy, but is also the most saddening thing about it: Zach told me later, when the guy was getting out of his car, he accidentally put his hand in the deer crap that was smeared on his car. Nothing says ass hole like that.

Oh no, I missed it

I was going to write a blog on the 15th and it was going to be something like "Happy Birthday, Baby" because that day was the one year mark from when I first became a blogger. Oh well, it's been a long year, a big year, a mostly good year. But I've been too busy in the last few days doing things like waiting for the roof to be done, trying to catch the fruit flies with creative devices, and cleaning up dog puke three times in four days - all on the new carpet, by the way. And this last time I discovered it by stepping barefoot in it.

Well, I'll leave you with that mental image to ponder...

A sure sign of job stress

Last night I was going up to bed, but before I could get in, space had to be made. I woke Zach and asked him to scootch Jacob over. He sat up, pulled Jacob toward the middle, looked at me and said, "Yes, that's fine. You can file them all under number one."

Apparently hallucinations run in the family because tonight Jacob abruptly got up from the couch and went around the corner to the dining room. I could see most of what he was doing - some elaborate hand gesturing - and when Jacob came back into the living room I casually asked him what was up. "I was just feeding Pilchard. She gets two scoops of food, and Scruffty gets three scoops."

We're back...

...but this is where we were:

Saturday, 10/6/07

I never got to post before we departed, but Jacob and I left town yesterday in order to get out of the way so Zach could do his big roof project. He has to do the siding eventually too. I don’t even care that the back of the house is just tyvek, I could live with it like that, but last winter it leaked badly. So we need the siding. That will be more money and more time that Zach is mostly unavailable to us. I am so tired, and ready for this to be done.

It’s also nice being away because that means there’s really no errands or chores to be done. There’s just me, Jacob, my mom and Jamie, the dogs, and all my ‘projects’ that I never get around to at home. I packed the trunk of the car full of projects (and Jacob packed half his toys): Computer, camera, scanner, old photo albums, a bunch of reading materials I need to get out of the way, thank-you notes, etc.

Among the ‘etc.’ is the new sewing machine my mother-in-law gave me for my birthday. I sort of know how to sew, and I really want to learn more and become better. I’m psyched to have my own sewing machine now, but that doesn’t mean I have the slightest idea what to do with it. I HATE reading directions and figuring stuff out. With my camera, it was kind of just trial and error learning, something I could self-teach myself. I’m still learning. One time on our trip in July I picked up the booklet and read about half of it. Unfortunately the sewing machine isn’t something I can really just go at with no knowledge base and figure out as I go along.

I just spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to thread the needle. I swear to God I’m going to throw the thing out the window. To my credit, I did read the directions, but directions are rarely what they should be. I’m a stickler for the accuracy of things like directions, spelling and grammatical errors. I can’t read any kind of writing without wanting to edit it. I was reading one of those local advertising publications earlier and there were all kinds of mistakes. In one pet-sitting ad it read, “We stay while your away!” I could hardly read on. It’s one thing if the mess-up is in your own personal blog, or whatever, but if this is an ad for a business, the way you make a living, c’mon. My mom, Jamie, and my uncle were all here. I showed it to them and they were equally as appalled. That’s the kind of family I come from. But of course you have to be careful going around talking about other peoples’ mistakes, because that’s when you’re bound to make your own.

Sunday, 10/7/07

It’s a good thing we all have our projects to work on because it rained all day yesterday. It would have been ok but it was mine and Jacob’s first day here and we wanted to get outside to move around. We’re both like that, we need a lot of moving around and exercise to stay happy. Today was much better; the weather has been nice. Jacob got ’work’ outside for hours on end and I got to go running. The dogs hadn’t been happy with being cooped up either, so it was nice for them to be outside again.

And by the grace of God, my aunt (the quilt-making queen) showed up last night. She sat down with me for over an hour today and ran through the basic directions, then walked me through hemming Jacob’s Carhartt pants. He now has Carthartt capris.

Monday, 10/8/07

It’s raining again. Jacob is crazy insane like he was our first day here. Yesterday he was not (crazy insane). It there was ever any question about his need to be outdoors, this proves it. I, however, did go running even though it was raining. I couldn’t’ take another day of just sitting around. It was a short run because I took Mango with me. I still don’t get it though - any ideas on how to train a dog to walk on ONE side of you? She’s all over the place, criss-crossing around, tripping me.

For the first time since I was a kid, I am bored at Camp. I don’t ever remember it raining like this, for multiple days of a trip up here. Actually, if we stay through the week (we’re playing it by ear), it will be my longest trip up here ever. I never got to spend entire summers here like my mom did growing up, or even as my siblings sometimes did. So we are bored and taking a little bit of a day trip to a nearby visitors’ center to see some stuff.

Tuesday, 10/9/07

I can’t start a fire to save my life. I do just what everyone else does, it just doesn’t catch for me. It’s freezing here. I brought warm clothes for Jacob and I, but I sort of forgot the layer part. We’ve each got plenty of sweatshirts, long sleeve shirts, and fleeces, but no jackets or coats, or rain gear. So he and I have been going around the whole time here with four layers of sweatshirt instead of a coat like normal people.

It was sunny for a few hours today and we got to go outside, but that only lasted so long because, again with the freezing. Now we’re ‘in town’, which is to say a 20 minute drive from camp. I just had to pack us into the car because I’ve grown that bored. I just tested out the Walmart parking lot for an internet signal. Nothing. So now I’m in the parking lot of the dollar store. I want to take Jacob in and give him a dollar, but he’s asleep in his carseat from boredom. I told him we’d go to the park on the way back, but now it’s raining. Again. So I guess that is out.

Wednesday, 10/10/07

It's mine and Zach's third wedding anniversary. I knew it was coming and knew we'd be away from him, but it didn't really matter to either of us. We don't get excited about things like that, or at least we don't have enough of a life of luxury to get excited about things like that. I didn't realize it was the actual day until Zach called to wish me a happy anniversary. Points for him.

Also, Jamie left today. He has his dart league tonight and he couldn't miss that. So my mom, Jacob and I are staying on (also Ginger, Mango left with Jamie). This is by far the most beautiful day we've had. Too bad because just a little while ago we resigned to come home a day early. The rain just got to be too much of a bummer. But really, the day was gorgeous. The best day to spend as your last one here for the season.

Thursday, 10/11/07

Well we packed it up and were out of there only two hours from when we said we would leave. A new record? Possibly... I'm back home. The drive was nice and I got back in time to do some unpacking before Danielle came over to drop something off, and then the both of us left for a free camera class at the store where we bought our cameras. Did I mention it rained all day?

Sunday, 10/14/07

I've been a bit distracted the past couple days and now I've finally got all the pictures that I was waiting for to be uploaded. Enjoy.

By the way, the roof still isn't done.

Posting There Again

Damn. How do people get the title to be a link to something? I know it's possible, I've seen it done before. Oh well, the title was supposed to be: Posting Here Again. That's the home page. Here's links directly to some of the more coherent posts. Just incase anyone is interested in reading about our boring (actually not boring to me) homeschooling.

Homeschooling By Daddy - if you're into the potty humor.

Spanish Bob

Around the Country and the World

Teaching Moments

Sweet Links

Sweet Land, I mean. I borrowed this from the library and watched it over the weekend. I don't remember whatever compelled me to request it a few weeks back, but I thought it was adorable. Maybe that isn't the word they were going for, but I really, really liked it. The film won an award of which you can read in the first line of the 'synopsis' under the 'about' heading after clicking on the link above. It's one of those movies where it takes you back in time, then back to the present, and backwards again. I'm pretty sure there's a word for that. I love movies like that. They (the people on the commentated version of the movie) were distinguishing it from a period piece because the movie takes place in the memory of a character or characters, and not in 'real time' of whatever time period it's covering. I learned that difference by listening to the commentated version of the movie. I love learning stuff like that. I'm a movie buff of some sort, not in that I know all movies and all the trivia, but I really enjoy watching every single bit of bonus footage on DVD's and hearing about different interpretations, as well as all the artistic stuff behind the film. Everything basically. That's something that I think most people would find surprising to learn about me.

Anyway, the finished product of the film was awesome, as well as the commentating, although I could hardly stand to listen to Elizabeth Reaser talking. Maybe she was just having a moron day? I'm glad I watched the actual movie first because it might have ruined it for me to listen to her give her meager thoughts on the film. But what really got me is that at some point in the commentating, someone started talking about how Sweet Land was the first carbon-neutral American movie. How cool! It was filmed in Minnesota, out in farm country, so many of the things they had to do where conducive to 'treading lightly on the Earth' anyway. And then I guess when they are done filming, they factor in the carbon cost, change this over to dollars, and pay that much to effect some change which thereby neutralizes the carbon footprint. Carbon offsetting. Sounds simple. I've known 'about' it for a long time, but I'm embarrassed by how little I know about the actual process. I'll make it my next big research effort and post when I've learned something worthwhile.

In other Earth-friendly news, we got a new washer and dryer. It was my first Energy Star major appliance purchase, and from here on out I will only buy Energy Star. I'm still figuring them out because after using a hand-me-down, older-than-me washer and dryer, these things are like something out of Back to the Future to me.The 'Razor Saver' is on its way to us via UPS. I can't wait to try this thing.

And I've finally ordered our new water bottles. Zach got this boring one, Jacob picked out this ugly one, and the one I'd been patiently waiting to order (until the other members of the household chose theirs), decided to be sold out - on my birthday. My next 10 choices decided to be sold out as well, so I took myself on over to here and ordered one of these because that's the one I originally saw months ago when I first got on this kick - and now finally the biter ones aren't sold out like they were for so long.

The garbage and recycling went out tonight. There was hardly anything in the garbage can, but the compost pile is growing at a rapid pace and the recycling bins were overflowing. Within the plastic/glass/metal bin are our Nalgene bottles. Goodbye dear friends. I also got rid of all the old baby bottles (not that I used them very much) after translating what I learned about the water bottles and flipping over the baby bottles to see the big fat #7 on the bottom. Next baby will just have to be exclusively breastfed. Shouldn't be a problem, not like I ever even left Jacob til he was over two.

Here's a really comprehensive article I came across that describes the whole plastics issue. It's not terribly long, and is easy to skip around and pick out relevant information.