Oh my God the peeing!

Jacob wakes up this morning and we both want to snuggle so I move him toward me by pulling on the two double-layered blankets that I carefully folded beneath him last night, slowly revealing a huge wet spot. Give me a break already. This has been happening for months now.

Before I even go into the details, let me just say that I firmly believe buying a water-proof mattress cover will immediately solve the problem because like a rule of nature, the wetting will stop once I have purchased said cover. And if by some chance the wetting does not stop, then the worst-case scenario will be that the sheets still get covered in urine but the mattress is saved. This isn't even an option for us though because I have no idea how much one of those would cost to fit a toddler bed, let alone a party-of-three queen-size bed. Also, the mattress is already urine-stained in a million different places, and I'd still have to wash the sheets anyway.

What I really want is a second mattress cover, as in just the soft, padded one that goes under the fitted sheet. Add that to the extra sheets that I actually do have and voila, you can just change the bed instead of washing everything and waiting for it to be done before re-dressing it. I had two and like an idiot I gave away the extra one to the animal shelter last year because it was old and there was no room to store it (having a freshly torn apart bathroom back then, our 'linen closet' became open shelves in Jacob's room and I was still naive to the fact that it would most likely stay there for the rest of our time in this house). Even with a second mattress cover, I still think it would be a rule that there is no changing of the bed in the middle of the night. We're too exhausted to do anything productive then. So, if the puddle is discovered while it's still dark outside, someone grabs a towel from the bathroom and we lay it over the wetness and pretend it's not there. If we don't discover it til morning, then a mild attempt to soak the urine out of the mattress is made, but who are we kidding? It's all the way down there, it's not coming back out.

If a towel has been layed out in the middle of the night, then it usually stays there for the duration of the day...I forget about it, or I'm too busy to wash the sheets right then, or I keep saying it's going to be my next thing. So by the end of the day when all we want to do is get into bed and then we notice the towel laying over the now-dried pee, well, by then it's like, we slept in it last night, what the big deal about one more night? If we really care that much then we'll peel off the offending layers and just sleep on top of the flat sheet. Maybe this will go on for two or three more days, I can't say for sure, but I can say what is a fact is that Jacob will mostly likely NOT pee in a bed that already has pee in it. He will, however, pee on the night of the day in which I have finally broken down and washed the sheets.

I have not yet had to wash these new sheets (the freaking cozy bamboo ones that I got for Christmas) just because it's time to wash the sheets. Each and everytime I wash them, it is because there is pee. For a while I was putting a disposable diaper on Jacob at night, covered by a bulky cloth diaper. This worked on most nights but then one day I just decided that after three years of washing cloth diapers, I just wanted to stop already. I guess this was about the point when Jacob stopped wetting at night anyway. Sometime soon after that he starting wetting again and one measly disposable was no match for the liquid capabilities of my son. More recently I guess I've begun experimenting with other methods. A few weeks ago I finally splurged on the expensive nighttime diapers. I thought it was my golden ticket so with complete confidence, I put Jacob to bed with nothing under him. Flooded. I bought bigger size pullups to go over nighttime diapers. Yes, Jacob now wears a 2T nighttime diaper, covered with a size 6 Bob the Builder pull-up. This only works on half the nights. Beckie recently gave me diaper doublers...something I had luck with in the cloth version when I was a still a green-diapering mama. I tried them for the first time last night, hence the puddle 'o pee when I pulled Jacob toward me today.

I'm going to the store today, I'm going to buy actual baby diapers, not pull-ups. I'm thinking tonight I'll go with the nighttime diaper, lined with a double/BtB pull-up combo. Triple protection. Yeah right, Jacob's bladder will laugh in the face of that. Anyway, I have little hope it will work...I'm going to start looking into catheters (kidding). The only thing in question now is, will I change the sheets today?

*Stands up* "Hi. My name is Stacey...I sleep in urine."

Leader of the Pack

Now that the weather is finally starting to resemble spring we've been able to add walking the dogs back to our daily repertoire. I was talking to Kevin last week about his recent dog-sitting experience and I told him that he should go out and take the dogs for a walk, that it would be good for him, calming. Aren't people who share their lives with pets supposed to benefit so much health-wise? Then I started thinking about our walks and realized it is nothing remotely close to relaxing. It is the exact opposite of that.

I don't even know if the dogs enjoy the walks because Ginger never gets to sniff as much stuff as she wants to and Mango spends the whole time trying to get ahead of whoever is in front of her. At first we thought it was cute that Mango would bark and go crazy when Jacob ran ahead yelling, "You can't catch me!" We thought she was being protective of him or something. Yeah right. She just wants to be the leader of the pack. And poor Ginger is back there getting dragged along...all she wants to do is sniff the life out of every itty, bitty thing we pass. Is that so much to ask? Yes. It's call a walk for a reason, not a 'stand'.

It sucks when there are two adults, thus one for each dog leash, but it sucks even more when it's just me. The leashes cross, I get all tangled, Mango repeatedly jumps Ginger. I really do look like one of those moronic people you see all twisted up and bow-legged and having the blood circulation to my legs cut off from being bound in dog leash. I do the stupid little half-turn, leg lift, rotate back, twisty arm thing every 30 seconds. The other day I'd had enough of the 'not taking pictures' thing so I brought the camera along and by the grace of God, it did not break. And I'm sure deep-down I do find some pleasure in those walks.

Almost Forgot

Last week I got an e-mail from the person whom I originally purchased the replacement Little Bear from. She says she was very sick and in the hospital and will mail my items now. I either feel like the biggest jerk in the world, or I'm still being naive. But it's been a week and nothing has come, so it's still up for debate...

Friggin Big Bird

At gymnastics the kids have 'show & tell' when class is over. Then they get stamps. Today was the start of a new session and since the old teacher had a conflict, one of the teenagers took over her class. So come stamp time, the teacher announced, "The girls can have Ariel." At this point I started itching to intervene. I told Danielle I was blanking on an appropriate way to tell the girl that whatever the girls got was fine for my boy and she knew trouble was a-broiling. Bella got Ariel, the other girl wanted a princess...and then...the teacher moved to put the stamper back in the bucket. I could hold back no longer. "Jacob likes princesses, he'd wouldn't mind that one." I couldn't help myself. Hello? We have princess toothpaste and a bunch of other princess stuff to go with it. Jacob is more likely to pick a princess-themed item than any other character at any given moment. I was not just saying this to be an uber-radical bitch. The girl gave me a look that made me want to...well I won't get into it, this is a PG-13 post.

I just couldn't take it so I left to fill up my water bottle and waited for Jacob to be done. We exited to the bathroom so he could pee and wash his hands and there I inspected the stamp. Big Bird. You have got to be kidding me.

Leftovers

Jacob got his hair cut at the end of last week. The curls come out when it gets long so I really like it, but he wants it short, and I have to admit that he does look damn cute with short hair. But here's the funny thing: Jacob won't let anyone but Lee (the barber) cut his hair. We'd actually tried a few times to get his hair cut, but the shop kept being closed. Turns out Lee had been on vacation. But the first day that we went there and found out it was closed, Jacob had a cow and went on and on about it for 10 minutes. Getting his hair cut is one of his favorite things. Funny kid.

Yesterday at work one of the moms who was there saw Jacob come into the room behind me and she just gushed over how much he looks like me. That's rare these days, especially since Jacob's haircut makes him look like a twin of Zach's. But it was nice to hear that from this mom. Anyway, if Jacob looks like Zach, he's acting like me. He's been doing this funny thing with his mouth all twisted up to the side. It started all at once a week ago. He's mostly done it while he's talking, and he looks quite odd. But it was like it started in one moment and then he did it all the time. Lately he's been doing it more when he's not talking, and today he was in a good mood so I casually asked him what was up with that while we were immersed in something at work. He told me he was chewing his mouth. That's just great because that's my worst habit. I bite the inside of my mouth when I am stressed out. And the more I try to stop, the more I do it, so I'm not even telling Jacob that it something he shouldn't be doing because that will only firm it up to be a life-long habit for him too. Isn't that weird though? That he should end up with the same habit. It's not like he would learn it from observing me because it's not something we talk about, so how would he even know what I was doing.

Also last week, we went to see Zach's dad and step-mother and we picked up the dollhouse. I think Chris said it was built in the 1930's. It's really big and beautiful, but it's going to need a lot of work. It will be a project that will keep us occupied for a while! I haven't got any new pictures yet, Chris, because the dollhouse is still in the van! We don't have a spot for it, and to be honest, it's probably safest in the car (away from the Thing That Chews). So here's a starter picture and look for more in the future, but first we've got to get this real house of our's into shape.

The most crazy 'Responsible Kid' I know

I left Zach and Jacob upstairs a long time ago so they could go to bed and I could sit in the cool basement (the first time in months I'm actually glad it's cold down here) and hang out with the bunnies. Fast forward at least a half an hour and I hear thumping all over the place upstairs. I know it's Jacob, it's much too deliberate sounding to be the dogs banging around, I just don't know what he's up to.

I caught him trying to squeeze an overfilled queen size down blanket out of his room into the hallway, with the intent of dragging it down the stairs. "I'm gonna sleep on the couch cuz Daddy's breath smells!" is his excuse. So he had packed up the blanket with a pillow, Little Bear, Baby Tigger, two smaller blankets and then there was something random like a pot from his play kitchen that must have gotten in there by accident, oh, and a towel. "Why the towel, babe?" I ask. "Incase I leak through!" he whined. Of course. I should have known. He really had all the bases covered. Incase his diaper leaks through, like it's been doing at night, then there is a towel under him to catch the pee.

I decided right then that if he was going to be that responsible about it, then I was going to let him sleep on the couch. I had planned to demand he get right back to the bed, but it was just too cute. Of course, that was like an hour ago and right now Jacob is still awake and eating his 3rd dinner of the night in the kitchen above me.

Week 3

This will be the third and last full week until my mom and Jamie come back. I now know what it feels like to be one of those moms whose husband works out of town during the week, or works nights, or long, long hours, or go to school in addition to a full day of work and who have no family living down the street. It sucks. I'm sure I've felt like this before, but it only matters how you're feeling when you're feeling it. It's like my feeling states have no memory, so how can I say what my reality was a day ago, a month ago or a yeat ago?
's
And I know this current feeling of mine in not caused only by my mom and Jamie being away. It the time of year, the things that are happening right now in my life that make me feel like an inheritently bad person, the things that are happening at work to stress me out, the living in half a house that is constantly being dirtied by the half of the house that is incomplete. I sound like I am ungrateful for the life I have. I'm not. I'm just saying how I feel.

This should help, this being outside. The weather finally being nice. It's too nice though, it won't last and then in hindsight it will have just been a tease. But right now it is nice being out here, it's surreal. A whole long winter of being inside. And now I'm here barefoot, with no sleeves on my shirt, sitting safe from the mud atop the picnic table while Jacob and Marisa play. It feels like I'm in a dream. I go back and forth between being ok and walking around with a heavy, sinking feeling. I'm always in a constant state of mood changes. But this time feels different. I'm so afraid of everything now.

I was outside, I should have been ok, but it just felt scary and lonely. Jakie and I walked over to Stella's. She was happy for the break, but would never admit it. She stopped her yard work to sit on a bench in the spot where her swimming pool is burried and patted for me to come sit next to her. We just sat for at least five minutes, not talking. Sometimes it's nice to be around someone who is so different from you and just let your energy swirl around together in the air between you. Jacob picked berries and played quitely. Then Stella and I talked. I can't remember what about. My sister pulled in the driveway and the scene changed as Marisa jumped out of the car and Jacob rushed back to our house.

I like to think my sister and I have an understanding that the kids need to be around each other, and we need not to be around each other. She took off for a walk and I pulled out the heavy-duty extension cord so I could mix my computer time with my nature fix.

The kids are so different. Jacob can play in his imagination for hours. He can be quiet and improvise with what he's got. He knows how to pee outside. Marisa is so needy for attention, can't stop talking, is so loud. She's the kid who's walking around with wet pants. I don't know why they get along so well. I don't like the things he learns from her, yet I think it's necessary. She's the yang his yin?

I looked up to see a shadow coming through the woods and just like that my peace is over. Now my sister is sitting here at the same table reviewing cases for work. Her physical presence alone is causing me pain. I wrote to her to tell her how I feel and my words have gone unacknowledged so the simple fact of her silence now is distressing. But I'm wondering if there is something in what she's doing that in an alternative universe might look a little like reaching out.

I saw the first flower to bloom in our yard when we were on the way over to Stella's a little while ago. Just now I looked up in time to see Mango eat it. That's kind of how I feel today.

What a Week!

I won't even comment about the start of the week and the thing that everyone is talking about. There's nothing more to say than what's already been said. It's horrific beyond words and I can barely stand to think about what it must be like for the families involved.

I can tell this is going to be a long post because I've been feeling the tension of not being able to get to write anything for a few days building up. The week here has been crazy. It was a nice little tease having last week off from work, but the combination of having to go back to work this week with a lowered endurance for the fast pace it projects onto my life, and the fact that I don't have my mom around to rely on has pretty much done me in. Zach's been working on the addition each night, which is great, but it means he's not that available to help with Jacob. I got in touch with Evy's mom to see if she could watch Jacob for just a few hours so I could get caught up with stuff, but they've got their own house construction going on. I've been begging Zach to call his mom to see if she could come by for a while, but she's been out of town.

Zach's just as tired as I am, so I shouldn't be complaining. I can see it in his eyes, that's where it always shows up first. Jacob is like that too. And speaking of sleep-related issues, he's been flooding the bed at night (Jacob). Most mornings we were waking up to a wet bed, and I'd have to wash the sheets again. I finally broke down and bought the expensive nighttime diapers. Waste of money. So then I started putting two diapers on him at night. No help. Still flooded the bed. Then I started thinking, since he's going to wet the bed everynight and there's nothing I can do about it, then why the hell am I washing the sheets every damn day? So we slept in dried urine, covered by a bath towel, for three whole nights. I was just too tired to care.

I was talking to my mom about it on the phone on one of my every-other-day-five-minute conversations and she brought up some of his other symptoms that I had mentioned to the doctor when we had that sick visit a month or two ago. She told me maybe I should consider diabetes. I'm hypoglycemic and there's a history of diabetes in my family, but I wasn't that concerned about it. We got the results from Jacob's bloodwork back after the doctor visit last time, and it was clear that he is slightly anemic but no one from the doctor's office ever called so I figured I know enough about managing that through diet alone. I'm a little adverse to iron supplementation because of the side effects it has on your body.

So yesterday I talked to a nurse and she said she'd get back to me today after talking to the doctor. After that I started to revisit the anemia and thought about the nighttime wetting. I don't think it's so much that he's so, so thirsty and drinks a lot at night, but I think it's that he's not waking up at night to go to the bathroom anymore. He's just so tired all the time. Just like Zach, I see the tiredness in Jacob's eyes, and even after a good nap or a good night's sleep, he's still exhausted. The doctor wants Jacob to start taking an iron supplement and come back for an evaluation in a few months. So I'm going to do it because of the bags under his eyes and the constant crankiness and tantrums.

When Jacob does wake up he tells me all about his dreams. One day it was that he had been over at Stella's house, another day he reported that in his dream, "Daddy was tearing apart the floor boards and I was coming down to check on the it." I've been dreaming a lot again too. I love my dreams. I'm the person who keeps a dream journal from time to time and reads up on them in my dream analysis book. This is a good sign. I always feel like something is missing when I'm not dreaming, or at least remembering my dreams. I haven't been writing them down this time and that makes me mad because I really think that all put together, they give me a lot of insight into my life. I can say that I have had at least one pregnant dream. And I always dream in color.

Perhaps my brain is beginning to make room for the dreaming again because I'm trying to limit the computer/camera/electronic technology usage in my life. Sometime last week I decided that enough is enough. My life is revolves around the computer and taking pictures, recording life instead of living it. It doesn't feel good. I feel all scrambled up inside. I feel unnatural. Yet I'm addicted. A year ago I was not like this. Three years ago we didn't even have a computer at our house. I wanted it that way. I knew once we got started on the fast track to entering the 21st century, there was no going back.

Since November I have been talking about having a computer free day. I have not done it yet. That is sick. Everyday of my life since then, I have used the computer. I can't fathom doing that. And then camera is a whole other story. That thing is killing me. I can't keep up with it. So I started to make some rules for myself. I cannot take the computer to bed with me. I broke the rule just once. I give myself a certain amount of time when we get home to get settled in before I turn on the computer. I turn it off during the day when I am done with it. And the biggest, most riskiest one is that I have been leaving my camera at home. I'm keeping count, and in the last nine days there have been 8 times when I wanted my camera, or I wanted to bring it with me and I didn't. At first it was so scary, heading out there in the world with my adorable child, off to meet his adorable friends, and I didn't have the device for which I could capture those precious memories. I'm getting used to it though. I'm actually experiencing the fun, instead of just framing it for future viewing pleasure.

There were playgroups, outside play, park days, a sleepover, a nature walk...all things I will have to hold onto in my memory. I think it's better that way though. I think it gives the memories a certain integrity or something. All this leads me to the video camera issue. I have the money now, it's been saved and it's all ready for the purchase of the cheapest digital video camera money can buy. I don't think I want one. I don't want to add that to my plate. I think we can get by without it. What I really want is to have it for our trip. I've got my sister's huge-o video camera now though. And if I think that really won't do for the trip, then I can maybe borrow someone else's.

Yikes, there was so much more I was supposed to write about. But Jacob's just fallen asleep by my side on the kitchen floor. We are so odd like that. We do odd things at odd times of the day. Yesterday I was on the phone with Danielle, and it was late-ish, I think 8:30pm. When we were getting off the phone, "Yeah, I have to get going on cooking dinner anyway," I said. "Dinner?!" she laughed. Sometimes I forget that most kids Jacob's age are in bed by then. I don't mind the doing odd things at random times of the day because that's just what feels natural to us, but I do not like the days when it happens that way because there is just not enough time in the day to get around to it sooner than that. Zach and I have been wondering how in the hell our lives got to be like this. We both like simplicity. I swear to God, one of these days we're going to be one of those families that exchanges the busy life to move out to a farm and produce all our own necessities. But first I have to figure out how to power my own internet service...

Multiple Choice Question: Define 'Sleepover'

1) A humbling experience.

2) A good way to lose your voice.

3) An all-night survival adventure.

4) a good way to lose your mind.

5) Apparently doesn't require actual sleep to take place.

Answer: All of the above.

Jacob was really sad when MamMa and Papa left town, so I promised him we'd hang out there a lot (which we have done). I even told him we could have a sleepover. He wanted to know if Marisa could come. Oh. Boy. He just about loves her to death, so even though I could think of a million and a half things I'd rather do, I agreed. And since my sister and I can't be left unsupervised with each other, lest one of us kill the other, I insisted I do it alone. With Zach's help. Which basically means...alone. So there you have it. I brought two highly wound-up cousins to the house where I grew up and proceeded with my attempt at getting us all through the night alive.

We didn't even get there til after 9pm. Crazy, I know. But I was not having that in my house, the house where things are stacked so high and squeezed into place so tightly, that one good shove could bring my whole organizational system to a crashing halt. Literally. Besides, where would all the bodies go anyway? I think the kids finally knocked off sometime past midnight. I slept, I think I slept, on a small portion of the couch because God forbid I have to make a bed. They woke me up at 7am. I gave them chocolate for breakfast. Especially loved the part where Marisa asked me if I'm going to be in her mom's wedding. And then drilled me as to why not. You're asking the wrong person, kid. They watched cable TV. I left them unnattended for long periods of time. Three days later, I'm still trying to undo the damage Marisa did (i,e, the words coming out of Jacob's mouth, the sudden attitude, the whining).

I tickled them. I built a train. I played hide 'n seek, cleaned up pee and syrup and did the dishes, and intermittenly yelled at them. I didn't take pictures.

They had the time of their lives. And perhaps that's the answer to my question afterall.

(There's a Master Card commercial in here somewhere)

Things Kids Do

Music class started back up today. Jacob usually struts around for a while singing Bob the Builder or pretending he's on his cell phone working out the details of a 'job'. Today, however, he was wearing his Carhartt work pants since every other pair of pants was urine soaked and waiting to be washed. He's been asking to wear them when Zach is working on the addition. Jacob wants to join in and he wants to be dressed appropriately. So at music this morning he was walking around the circle singing "Me and Daddy like Carhartt pants. Me and Daddy like Carhartt pants..." I hope he's not the weird kid.

Speaking of pants, Jacob and Bella figured out a socially acceptable way to get naked. They were playing upstairs here on Monday and Zach went up to check on them. He found Jacob stripping down out of his wet pants and worked it out of him that he peed his pants just so he could get nakey. Walking back in the room where Bella was, he found she had caught on and decided to follow suit. Those little stinkers!

After the peeing and the changing into new clothes, we decided to take the kids in the back yard and let them have a go at the mud. One-by-one they all fell in it, landed face first in mud, and stepped out of their boots into the puddles barefoot. We were cracking up the whole time.

Little Digger Goes to School

That would be a nice title for a children's book...but really, I'm just referring to our Sunday night. We (Zach) laoded up the digger (which Jacob always calls by it's full name, 'backhoe digger') and hauled it to the college for some action in the long jump sand pit.

Assembly Required

So here you can see the digger came. Holy freaking fast! It wasn't even on my mind yet that it might be coming soon.

I came home from a playgroup mid-afternoon last Wednesday and there it was off to the left of the front door. I had to play it cool and not get excited. I simply ushered Jacob through the door and got us both settled. Then, when he was occupied, I called Zach at work to tell him. We were both so excited, that he just rushed home so we could open it and let Jacob play with it.


I don't know what we were thinking - that it would come fully assembled - but Zach carted it in the house and we set to opening it without a thought. At some point halfway through opening the box, one of us asked aloud, "Should we put it together first?"

"I don't know, I guess I didn't think about it not being assembled already." the other one of us mumbled.


Jacob was obviously fully aware at this point that something was happening so we couldn't stop then. Zach pulled all the pieces out of the box and Jacob just kinf of stared at them. He didn't realize what it was til Zach flipped the box over, exposing the picture of the digger is it's full glory. Jacob just kind of sat there in awe, I think. It's just a little ironic though, because I've finally settled on borrowing my sister's giant hunk of video camera and was at the ready with the record button. I had it all planned out to capture the excitement. But there really wasn't that much fuss.

"That's ok." Zach and I agreed, "Jacob loves putting stuff together. It will make it more special that he got to help." And I think it really didn't make much difference anyway. He loves it just as much. So far he's just been riding it around the house a lot. I happen to fall within the weight limit of the thing, so I've been having a pretty good time with it too! You're not going to see a picture of that though...

This is it almost fully assembled. The back digger part

still had to go on at this point. It's on now though and
Jacob's been learning how to manipulate all the functions.
One of these days, if it EVER stops snowing, I hope to
actually bring it outside! Zach said tomorrow night
during the show load-out we can bring it in and Jacob
can go to town in the sand pit. If that happens, I'll
definitely take pictures!

The $3 Muffin

That damn train store. I can't find the post right now where I wrote about it late last year, but I swear to God every single time we've been to that place, and Jacob is in the thick of playing at the train table, he poops. It happened two times in back-to-back weeks during Christmas season and I know I wrote about those times. The last time it happened was about 6 weeks ago and I didn't write about it then, but Kevin can attest to it because he was there. It was a real bad one - runny poop all over the place, half a container of wipes, me actually just throwing out Jacob's underwear right there in the parking lot because it was that bad, and then Jacob riding home half naked. I hate when things like that happen around people who don't have kids cuz then you just feel like real bad and like an incompetent parent.

And that's what I was thinking about when we were walking across the parking lot on our way to the train store. I thought since I had put it into my consciousness there was no way it could happen again. I was around the corner sneaking a peak at the new Bob the Builder stuff (that I have to tell Danielle about) and heard the cue from Jacob. Of course he never wants to leave, so this time, determined not to have a repeat of the many times before, I scooped him up and rushed next door to the cafe (we'll meet you there sometime in between classes). We used the facilities and then I had to buy something. Jacob was in an agreeable mood and I knew he'd be hungry having just come from gymnastics so I talked him into the soy protein muffin (I called it a granola muffin) and cringed all through paying the three freaking dollars. We had a lovely little time sitting at the counter by the window. Jacob took his time eating the muffin as we both people-watched. I was totally happy to be sitting there with him. It's been so long since we've done anything like that. We used to frequent coffee shops and cafes and people-watch all the time. I so miss that.

I love my job, but I'm realizing how it has a domino effect on the rest of my life. If I'd been working this week I wouldn't have been in such good shape at home, so I wouldn't have been able to take the time to go to the shoe store (the errand that brought us near the train store in the first place) or makes the stops to the toy store and cafe. I would have been way more tired than I am now, thus in no state to enjoy such an excursion. I like having elbow room in my life, room to be frivolous with our time and sporadic in our 'going about the day'.

Laundry Day

When I started writing this blog I think I was caught up in trying to find a good rhythm to the day, to work out a routine for me and Jakie. Well I've been working so much the last six months that I think I did somehow wind up in a routine. Somewhere along the line I even began having a 'laundry day' (Monday). That probably has more to do with the fact that we got a new water pump at the end of last year, so that I can now do more than one load of laundry a day. But my routine mostly revolves around work now. It's not like I even work that much, maybe 12 hours a week, on average. It's split up in three or four hour shifts though, so on the days that I work, even though it only takes up part of the day, it changes the whole day. I can't get anything else done on those days, and then the days that I don't have to work, I spend extra time trying to make up for the days that I did work. Not to mention, Jacob comes with me most of the time now when I work. This is great, but it makes my job seem twice as hard. I don't even feel like a stay-at-home mom anymore.

This last week has been great. My work is closed because of the school vacation, so I have the whole week to do the things we used to do. I'm getting caught up on random errands and I've been to three different activities with the moms in the last week. It's been so long since we've seen some of these people twice in one week. It makes me realize how much I have been missing it. I told Zach tonight that maybe at the end of this year, I can stop working. I had two good years at home full-time with Jacob and it was so nice to have that freedom. If I work til the end of this year, that will be two years there. The chapters in my life seem to be going in two years, so why not? Plus, if I am pregnant and close to having a baby, then it will be a good reason to stop. Zach can make three times as much as I do when he is painting. I think our collective earning potential will be maximized if he just takes the time that I would normally be spending at work, and paints. We will be far better off that way.

I am competent at my job, and I feel very much needed right now, so that is nice to have, but I'm to the point where I feel I have proved my point to myself that I can damn-near do it all. I'm so wanting to have the freedom to wake up and then decide what we're going to do with the time layed out before us instead of having it planned out two months ahead of time. Seriously, I don't think I've ever been able to utter the sentence, "Jacob, what do you want to do today?" I guess that's what being a stay-at-home mom means to me: Freedom. And that's what homeschooling will mean to me - the freedom to learn what Jacob wants to learn at any given moment.

So one of my random errands was to go to the video place where they transferred my 8mm videos to dvd. I had two tapes done yesterday and dropped more off today when I picked up the first ones. I can't believe how much money I will have spent on this stuff when I'm done with it. I'm having the old compact VHS tapes done too. These ones we don't have a problem watching because we've got the converter tape, but if I'm doing some on dvd, why not all? But what really got me to agree to it was the fact that I'll get a special rate if I do 10 hours or more at once. So I figure if I'm ever going to have it done, then right now would be the cheapest. But after I left today, I'm thinking I got charged more than I expected, unless they plan to do the discount retroactively when I complete my order...I'm not sure now though if there are some hidden costs and it's leaving a bad aftertaste...I have to call there in the morning.

For now though, we're watching the first dvd and I'm thinking the money is so worth it. Jacob is in love with watching himself on video. He's telling me now that he wants to be a baby again (which he's been saying for a few weeks now) and he wants Mango to be a puppy again. He's been really sweet to her lately. Last week he announced, "I love Mango again. Remember when I didn't?" We're watching the video of her as a tiny, tiny puppy and she is do damn cute. I don't know how we ended up where we are now.

I'd better get going...Jacob and I have to get up early for music time with the other moms. It will be our last activity with them before I return to the working world.

More Addition Pictures

Well things have really been moving along this week. On Saturday the 'Geriatric Plumber' came to start on the radiators (which he pronounces rad-iators, with a short 'a' sound). We needed a few of them moved and a couple put in the bedrooms because we've actually never had heat in the upstairs of this house. This is the first time we've used this guy and we thought we'd hit the jackpot when we got an awesomely low quote. This guy is retired, served in the Vietnam war, and came with plenty of stories to tell. He's a nice guy so we just figured he charges the old school rates because he just wants to stay in the business and feel useful. What we didn't realize was the quote he gave us was per rad-iator, not the entire job. It was dumb of us to think we could get away with such a steal, but I still think he was misleading.

Stella came over the other day while the plumber was here. I was getting ready to leave and she was talking my ear off about her kitchen sink. Previously the plumber was talking my ear off, so I gestured for Stella to follow me into the house and then led her into the kitchen. "Don, this is Stella, she has some plumbing problems," I said and then left the house, leaving whichever one of them who left last to lock up. Ahh, a match made in Heaven.

Anyway, here's some current pictures:

The above two are looking into the middle of the house
from the original 'dining room' which we usually just
call 'the dogs' room' now.

In the first one of this pair Zach is heading down the
basement stairs. The kitchen is to his left and the
'dogs' room' to his right.

These two pictures are taken with the front of the
to my back. The dogs' room is to the left and the
living room to my right.

And they're off...

My mom and Jamie left today for their big trip. It was pretty hard on me and Jakie. We brought them to the train station to see them off. It was bad enough when they boarded the train, but Jacob wanted to stay to see the train leave the station. Just after my mom and Jamie left the upper level get down to the train, a lady nearby started talking to me. She liked the pictures I was taking of Jacob (you can actually see them in the second picture, on the escalator, level with Jacob's elbow)...then she asked, "Your parents?" I told her yes, and hoped she didn't inquire more. "Where are they from?" she followed with. "Oh, um, here, actually." I admitted. I think she felt more badly for me after that. Not only was I crying and upset, but I was crazy too. I'm an adult and have a family of my own. What can I say, we are really attached. Truth be told, it's not the three weeks that they'll be gone which I am so torn-up about, it's the goodbye itself. I'm programmed from a young age to treat each goodbye like it could be my last. I can do this though...

Easter Festivities

I had these colored martini glasses that I never get to use
so I figured I'd go ahead and use them for this.

We get free-range eggs (which are brown) and I figured they'd take on the
color just fine so I whipped up my own little mix of food coloring,
vinegar and water...I liked the effect, nice subtle colors.

Notice the Red Bull in the other basket...wonder who that's for...
oh, and there's a 'Little Ginger' in between Little Bear and his
cousin which Jacob has taken to calling 'Little Pink Bear'.

As you can see, he was very pleased with them...

Yeah, she goes everywhere with us now.

Uncle Bill would be proud...

I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but apparently Jacob does. Out of the clear blue the other day, he announced to me, "When I grow up I want to be a fire fighter!" Where did he even get the idea that 'when I grow up I want to be-' is something that kids say? I didn't think kids started saying things like that til they were at least twice his age. As casually as I could, and with careful phrasing I asked Jacob, "Oh, cool. Who were you talking about that with?" He told me no one. I was shocked to hear him say that, but actually, I think I'm really proud that he's got like goals or something.

I'm sure this is merely the first in a long line of future professions Jacob will consider. Zach and I are already talking firetruck border though. I forbid him to paint Jacob's room red. That's just not a color one can sleep in. He's still pretty much in our bed, but just to keep our options open...

As for where he heard this, my only ever reasonable conclusion for things like this is Marisa. She's the only kid Jacob is around when I'm not there. On average, he's there once a week for a few hours and I try to time it so my mom is already watching Marisa. I don't know, he usually admits to things he got from Marisa, even when they're bad things (they are mostly bad). So when Jacob's developed a less-than-desirable habit, we automatically jump to the conclusion, "He must have learned that from Marisa."

Anyway, Uncle Bill, you and the kid will have something to chat about on Easter. But be careful because he's shy about it.

Jacob: Virtues and Vices

A long time ago Jacob decided he wanted a dollhouse, so he started saving his money in the little Mailbox piggy bank of his. It seems like it's been forever that he's been saving, and even with me constantly sneaking money into it, it's hardly amounted to anything. Turns out we're going to get a handmade, heirloom one that used to belong one of the grandparents. This is so much nice because it will have meaning for us, and I've been hearing that it's a real fixer-upper, which is befitting because, hello, we're living in a fixer-upper. After we realized that the savings would go toward something else, Jacob decided on this:




We don't have nearly enough moeny saved up in his bank, but Jacob decided the other day that we do have enough and he's insisting on it. What I think he's trying to say it that he's been so darn good about saving his money for months now that he kind of needs the payoff already for the lesson to be learned. I've been trying to come up with ways to give him extra money (like I even have the extra money to begin with). I don't want to pay him for doing chores or work around the house because I think that will take away from his natural work ethic. It might devalue the fact that he enjoys work for the pure zen of it. I don't think I really want to get him started on the whole allowance thing just yet. What I came up with is a total bribe. Jacob has been coming to work with me more and more lately and truth be told, I think he's getting a little sick of it. I've already had to resort to bribing him to go to work at times, so I might as well just go ahead and put that bribe in the form of cold-hard cash. I call it his paycheck. And why the hell shouldn't I give him a paycheck? He goes there with me, and this way I can ask him to help me cleanup without feeling guilty. When we were getting ready to leave work the other day, I gave Jacob a little talk about how he had been awesome and worked so hard and that I thought he had earned a paycheck. And then I handed him the cash. He was so excited. We came home and he put it in his little bank. I actually think this is a pretty creative solution. He learns about capitalism, doesn't get spoiled, develops a savings-oriented attitude toward money and learns the value of a dollar. Cool.

If virtue = savings, then vice = lying. Don't know how he figured it out, but pretty much all at once a week and a half ago Jacob learned to lie, and get away with it. Not really bad stuff, but it totally came out of nowhere. I know this is something all kids go through. Jacob would be climbing the ladder but all I could see was the one side. "Is Daddy with you, Jacob?" I'd ask. "Yes." He'd reply. Then a minute later with still no adult male hands at the ready to catch Jacob's ascending body, I walked around the corner and discovered the lie. Zach was in the basement, not even in earshot. I was very firm in my position to Jacob that we would not accept lying. And I think it pretty much ran it's course in a week or so because he hasn't lied in a few days. I'm sure it will be back when he is a teenager though...

Help us settle something...

So we had another round at the vet's yesterday. Mango had a few small issues that we needed to get checked out. One of them was that all-over body pain she'd been having a few months ago. Ocassionally she'll limp around the house, favoring one leg. Now tell me which leg she is favoring: the one that she is walking on, or the one that she is keeping up in the air. Zach and I can't agree on whether favoring means she's protecting the leg that hurts or using the leg that is still good. Help us settle the dispute.

Speaking of the vet...I don't know where to begin. I made the appointment on the phone and actually said the vet's name, signaling to the person on the other end that I was expecting to see Dr. *Testo*. I got there the next day and was going on and on about Dr. Testo. "No, the appointment is just for Miracle, but I brought Ginger too because Dr. Testo likes to see her. She always asks about her and tells me to bring her in." Someone could have told me. After waiting in the room for an hour, the door started to open and I got ready to greet Dr. Testo. But it was not her. It was some other vet. Yuck. Before she introduced herself I was halfway through 20 questions and none the more illuminated as to Dr. Testo's whereabouts.

When the replacement vet left the room (to take Mango in the back to have her anal glands drained) I snuck out to the reception counter and started in on the same questioning with the office manager, *Dave*. He couldn't tell me anything. These are people who treat use like family, shower our dogs with unconditional love, know us all by name. We really have a close relationship and to not be able to get any information was so unsettling. At one point Dave told me he couldn't legally say anything. Then, when I was checking out, I just had to cover all the bases and ask one more question. I wanted to know if I could leave a message for the Dr. I think I really pushed his buttons then. He told me, "There will be no contact whatsoever. You'll get the gist of how it's going to be around here. There will be no talking about her at all." I felt so uncomfortable...I apologized and backed out of the office with my tail between my legs for what I think will be the last time I set foot in there.

Zach is just as upset as me about this. We want to know where our vet has gone. We want to of course keep seeing her. But we want to know that she is ok. It seems like something really bad happened. And I didn't like the way people were talking about her (rather, not talking about her), as if she never existed or she is this malevolent force. I at least want her to know that we are crazy about her and her veterinary skills and we will always miss her. I don't know how to even be the mother to another species without her. I've been taking rabbits and dogs to her for almost 20 years! Seriously, I couldn't even describe what was wrong with Mango yesterday to the replacement vet. Dr. Testo just would have known. And to start over with someone else is unthinkable.

We're Home!

No, these are not the ones I ordered from the sucky seller. These are the ones I got to replace the ones I never received from the sucky seller. I ordered them on April 1st and here they are four days later. Fantastic. Now I have to go leave a nasty comment for first people and try to get my money back. Thank God Jacob was asleep when we pulled in the driveway just now, because these guys were waiting at the front door and there's no way I would have been able to get them in the house without him noticing. It's so close to Easter now, I might as well wait to put them in his basket. But that's three days away and I don't know if I can hold out because Jacob's going to pee his pants when he sees these!

PS - I am more positive now that Little Bear had little ears.

Broken Glass, Chewed Cords, Dinner Conversation and Problem Solving.

Phew. Rant over. Maybe I can compile lists of the things that bother me and from time to time I can put them all together in one big venting blog.

I started this post last night...all I got was the title. I've grown attached to the title in the last 24 hours so I'm leaving it, even though I can't for the life of me remember what the cute/smart thing was that Jacob said at dinner last night. This would have covered the 'dinner conversation' portion of the post. Damn. I'm leaving it in here incase I think of it because it was like the most astute thing I have ever heard him say. I thought Mensa was going to come a knockin'.

Broken glass: The energy in our house is bad, or something. I blame it on the addition, for which I have to think of a better name...the Monster...blech. I don't like it anymore. Put it back. It's not worth it. The mess, the total disruption of life, the fighting, the spillage of stuff. Or it could be all the negative energy flowing from the insane drivers that go past my house (and up and down the driveway real fast, fast enough to kill a child leaping from behind the fence - no matter, I wouldn't want you waste five seconds going slower so you don't run over my kid). Either way, bad things happen here. Not a big deal, but just weird, in the last week, four glasses/dishes have been broken. Three by me (one a bowl) and one by Jacob, three were glasses. The glasses I don't care about, the bowl was NEW as a wedding gift. Not much here is new, so that sucks, but the glasses, whatever. I'm happy to see some things go, like when I get to throw out a pen that has no ink. Yay, one less thing. Don't ask me why I felt compelled to take a picture of it, but here it is. Even weirder: it's pretty so I'm keeping it for when I become an artist specializing in mosaic art. Seriously though, I've always wanted to do mosaic art. But it has to be authentic and what better way to make a statement on my life than to gather all the broken shards and piece them together to make ART?

Chewed Cords: No big deal...just an example of what living with rabbits is like. I warned Zach that Nutmeg was getting back there. I saved his ass more times than I can count by picking up the cord and making a new barricade. How can he possibly be mad at Nutmeg for doing what rabbits do? So he ruined a $100 extension cord, but be mad at yourself for leaving it out to tempt the rabbit in the first place.



Problem Solving: Yesterday I left the house and went to my mom's for a few hours so Zach could be alone in the house for a big chunk of time to work on the addition. He just had to run into work for a little bit to help with the break-down. I came back home four hours later and he was NOT HERE YET. I swear that place is going to eat him some day. Jacob and I just drove right on to the college and marched right into the field house and retrieved my husband to bring him home. Leaving the parking lot, Jacob spotted a few gazebos that were awaiting transport (as part of the load-out from the show). I did not see the gazebos, so by the time we were already past them and it was clear Jacob was having trouble coming up with the word for them, they were out of view. All down the driveway I drove slowly, trying to coax a good enough description of them out of Jacob so I could figure out what he was talking about. "I can't think of the word, you tell me.." he whined in an increasingly irritated manner. I asked him to describe them, we played 20 questions, nothing. Finally Jacob said, "Now I'm really mad." with all the conviction in him. Instantly I pulled over and rolled down my window to tell Zach we were heading on back to the parking lot. I'm pretty sure this is an obsessive-compulsive thing, but when he said that, I could feel all the rage building up in his chest as if I owned it. This is something that is such a big deal to me that I can't even explain it. It's just so innate to me. I think it's something that I get about kids that maybe some people don't? I don't know. I just know how sometimes you just need that one little detail in order to bridge the gap between the you that existed a minute ago and the you that will live out the rest of your life. It feels like if you don't complete the thought/action/sentence that you will never be heard and you will die. You. just. need. it. to. click. I could just feel the release for Jacob when we pulled back in and I saw the gazebos. "Oh, gazebos!" I said and all the tension fizzed right on out of the car. On the way home, and for the rest of the night, we practiced saying ga-ze-bo and then put the syllables together and talked about what ways Jacob could have explained the gazebo to me; "Like a house, but with no walls, and sort of round." or "Grandma has one in her back yard." Jacob's not always going to be around people who understand what he's talking about before he's said it so I want to give him the tools to be better understood.

Oh my God this is long - and boring - and probably doesn't make sense. No, I don't think my life is that interesting that I have to write every little detail. This is my catharsis. And this little blog has ruined me for journal writing so if I don't get it down here, it gets lost to the fog.